Football songs are surprisingly hard to dig up. Sure, everyone knows that old Hank Williams Jr. tune, but how many other (American) football songs can you actually name? Not very many, right?
That's because, as we've recently discovered, there aren't very many good ones, but there are a lot of bad ones. The sport is apparently a very difficult subject to tackle (yes, pun intended), and not very many musicians have pulled it off. And if these ten songs are any indication, maybe it's time we all stop trying.
10. 1985 CHICAGO BEARS, "Super Bowl Shuffle"
While the Bears' effort is appreciated, it's just...no football team needs to write, edit, produce or rap on a rap song ever, but especially one about doing the "Super Bowl Shuffle." Even putting the time frame into perspective, there's nothing forgivable about this '80s monstrosity — and no, those dance moves are not the one.
Congrats to the Bears on eventually winning the Big Game, though. It would have been a lot more embarrassing otherwise.
9. BOBBY BARE SR. "Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through the Goal Posts of Life)"
I know, I know. It's probably sacrilegious to have ol' Bobby Bare on this list, but come on. This song deserves some shade. The cheesy, simile-laden lyrics about goal posts and Jesus punts — stuff like "Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life/ End over end, neither left nor to right/ Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights" — are just begging for it.
Jesus doesn't really dropkick, does he? He probably can if he wants; it's Jesus. But if he does, we're all screwed. Because unlike Bare, I have zero interest in being used in an offensive move.
8. LL COOL J & THE WILDCATS, "Football"
Well, "Football" is an LL Cool J jam that appeared on the sound track for Wildcats, an '80s movie about football with Goldie Hawn and Woody Harrelson in the cast. And it's so freaking bad. Next-level bad. It doesn't matter if this song exists only because of a movie — whoever commissioned this should be forced to listen to it on repeat until he's made amends for this sin.
And if you feel like torturing your eardrums even further after listening to the OG version of "Football," you should go look up the cover of this song from the same sound track, which includes not only Wesley Snipes trying to rap but also Harrelson. We're embarrassed for them.
7. MOJO NIXON, "Not as Much as Football"
So, ladies. Let's talk. If you've ever wondered if your female prowess is enough to lure your man away from his love of men chasing other men with a ball, country crooner Mojo Nixon is here to tell you no, it is not. But don't you worry, purdy lady. Mojo knows that your dude loves you more than a lot of things, which he lists off to ease the burn in your soul, but he just doesn't love you more than football.
Yes, this is real. No, it is not a drill. Someone once thought those lyrics were a good idea, and that someone is Mojo Nixon.
6. HANK WILLIAMS JR., "All My Rowdy Friends Are Here on Monday Night"
It's almost unfair even to associate this song with football because the original, "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight," was released back in 1984 and isn't even about football. Still, the song was appropriated by the NFL, revamped and made practically synonymous with Monday Night Football for two decades, thanks to that opening "Are you ready for some footbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall" line. You know the line; the obnoxious one that no one is willing to forget.
But we're betting the NFL wishes it could forget it, because in 2011 it dropped Bocephus — the longtime face of Monday Night Football — after he made some less-than-stellar comments about President Obama. But while the song and the comments remain terrible, "Rowdy Friends" has somehow remained popular with football fans everywhere.
5. LIL WAYNE, "Green and Yellow"
Not to be confused with "Black and Yellow," the more awesome football song by Wiz Khalifa, "Green and Yellow" is brought to us by Lil Weezy, who once bought a house by the water. He must have also bought into the belief that rapping about your football team — in this case the Green Bay Packers — is a good idea.
It's not. There is nothing good about this. Wayne calls himself a "Cheese Head" before he throws around lyrics in which he asks to see people's green cards. Eh. Sorry, Weezy. You may be broadcasting live from the block, but calling your foes "cheese spread" just makes you sound...dumb. (I will not buy into using cheesy. I will not buy into using cheesy.)
4. FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND, "The Art of American Football"
Oh, for fuck's sake. This one is so terrible. Why the hell is it a thing?
3. TEN YARD FIGHT, "First and Ten"
"You...Broke the edge! You...Lost my trust! You turned in your helmet/ You fumbled the ball/ You lost the edge, man/ You're gonna fall."
"First and Ten" is not even ironically good, even when you take into account that the hardcore kids in Ten Yard Fight recorded this monstrosity back in '95. Even then it's not forgivable. Say what you want, but the band loses this one so hard — from the melodramatic middle-of-the-football-game clip that opens this shitshow to the stupid Cowboy references — that it's just the worst.
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2. FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE, "All Kinds of Time"
You kind of know a football song is going to suck when it's from the guys who brought us that little ditty about Stacy's mom, who's got it goin' on. And luckily, Fountains of Wayne didn't let us down. Lyrics like "The clock's running down/ The team's losing ground to the opposing defense/ The young quarterback waits for the snap/ When suddenly it all starts to make sense" don't make any sense at all when thrown up against the repetitive chorus that says (over and over and over again), "He's got all kinds of time."
But despite the suckiness of this song, the NFL still used it on a ton of commercials for football business, so what do I know? After all, I'm just a girl who is probably jealous of football because I will always come in second to the game. Just ask Mojo Nixon.
1. T-SPOON, "F.O.O.T.B.A.L.L."
So, I tried like hell to find evidence that this song not only exists but that it actually shouldn't exist, but it appears that "F.O.O.T.B.A.L.L." is so terrible no one will even put it on the Internet. Take that as you will, and just thank the football gods for your intact ear canals. There's another little T-Spoon tune thrown up there for good measure, though, so have fun with that — and the knowledge that, yes, a song worse than that exists. It's about football.