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The Funniest Things Overheard at the 2014 Juggalo Gathering

Note: this past weekend our colleagues at St. Louis' Riverfront Times risked life and limb to cover the 2014 Gathering of the Juggalos outside Thornville, Ohio.

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Photos by Nate "Igor" Smith unless indicated
Another Gathering of the Juggalos has come and gone, and with it thousands of face-painted, fun-loving freaks and misfits to and from the event's first year in Thornville, Ohio.

While the move from the deep wilderness of Cave-In-Rock, Illinois, to this year's decidedly more inhabited location did make the experience seem less like being on another planet, there was still an overabundance of hilarious and strange things happening at all times.

Here are the best overheard quotations from the 2014 edition of the Gathering of the Juggalos.

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Mike Busey, in the camouflage vest.
"Do you guys know who I am? I'm an ugly motherfucking piece of shit and I don't give a fuck. And I came here to party."

-- Gary Busey's nephew Mike Busey, clad in a vest and armed with big teeth

"I almost got lured into a gay acid orgy over shots of Fireball."

-- A confused soul who had stopped too long to talk to a man who was clearly out of his mind on drugs

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"If that bottle rocket gets near my dick I'm gonna be pissed."

-- Large, safety-conscious Juggalo wearing pinstriped overalls

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"I hope there's no pee in there."

-- Juggalo sprayed by squirt gun

"Sell you a knife for $30."

-- Random skinny kid with baggy red mesh shorts

"How many ya'll parents smoke weed? My momma still grows illegal weed in Alabama."

-- Yelawolf

"At least you tried! At least you tried!"

-- Chanted at female wrestler who had just lost a fight

"Fuck her right in the pussy!"

-- Shouted by everyone, all of the time, constantly. Juggalos have really latched onto that meme

"Y'all wanna talk about politics, or you wanna see people get smashed in the face?"

-- Wrestling announcer to crowd chanting down Obama

"Our sexy little midget you may have seen on Hulk Hogan's Micro Championship Wrestling."

-- Uttered by the Guy Fieri of Juggalos, Mike Busey

"I'm fucked up! Praise Jesus!"

-- Shouted loudly from the woods

"There's only one one-legged wrestler in the world."

-- Announcer at Juggalo Wrestling Q & A

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"Lick the lint out of somebody's belly button."

"Eat somebody's fingernails."

"Bring me a poop dollar. It don't gotta be your poop; there is poop all over these grounds. Go find some."

[After digging a hole in the mud with his heel and pouring beer into it.] "Chug the mud!"

"You don't gotta whip your dick out, just act like you do and then you and a friend walk up on people."

-- All stated by a man named Frog, proprietor of "The Wheel." Frog would ask people if they wanted a beer as they passed by. If they said yes, they would be encouraged to spin the wheel, which lists a multitude of hilarious/disgusting potential outcomes. These are just a few of them. We hear even the police got in on the fun.

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"If you got in my face, I'd shoot you right here with the gun in my pocket. You wouldn't even see it coming. And then you know what I'd do? I'd drink a beer. And feel no emotion at all."

-- A normal-looking 61-year-old man seated in a lawn chair in the parking lot. It was his seventh year at the Gathering, to which he drives his son and then waits in the lot. He has never once stepped foot inside.

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"Stop! Stop!!"

-- A police officer chasing a speeding golf cart. He didn't stop.

"I wanted to trip the cop. I mean fuck it; I got bail money."

-- Juggalo who witnessed the police chase described above

More quotes on the next page.

 

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"I want you to romantically spew milk into her mouth."

-- Uttered by World's Most Eligible Bachelor Mike Busey

"Freedom of the press means I can do whatever I want. Also never pay for anything. Don't tread on me, motherfucker!"

-- A member of the press who'd clearly had far too much to drink

"My dick is horrible. My dick looks like a vagina."

-- A man pleading innocent in a very strange Juggalo Night Court case

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"Who hit her so hard her titties popped out?"

-- Night Court's honorable Judge High Bone

"Is this your beer? Can I drink it?"

-- Yelawolf

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Photo by Drew Ailes
"I'm gonna try and fuck her in the butt tonight!"

Newlywed, just married at the Gathering

"Check out this sexy-ass midget. She ain't got no Down Syndrome or nothing!"

-- Mike Busey, frosted-tipped, despicable idiot

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"Why can everyone breathe fire except for me?"

-- A dejected and disheartened bald man

"You've never been kissed? Well here's your first kiss -- from a ninja!"

-- A Juggalo who overheard another man telling a story and ran up and kissed him

Juggalo: "Lemme see your tits!" Topless Juggalette, confused: "Uh, I mean, you can see them!" Juggalo, after some thought: "Lemme see your butthole!"

"I will fight a motherfucker if I gotta shave my hair."

-- Long-haired metalhead nervously spinning the Wheel

Juggalo 1: "Wayne Campbell?!" Juggalo 2: "Beef Stew?!"

-- Two Juggalos upon first seeing each other, followed by a spirited embrace

"Watch ABK; get your wallet stolen!"

-- Shouted through a megaphone, enticingly

"TITTIES!!!"

-- Man running at a full sprint toward a stage full of activity

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"You better be nervous; you're hugging the king of darkness."

-- Tech N9ne

"That notebook is gonna be worth a lot of money someday."

-- VICE magazine

"You were zoned out and missed those big-ass titties too? You're lying."

-- Incredulous girl to boyfriend

"Dude if you blow me I will give you one Valium."

-- Juggalo businessman tired of messing around

"PCP will make you a woman!"

-- Juggalo confused about gender identity

"I took two hits and when I came back, I was wearing my buck cape and spinning around and my boss was yelling at me."

-- Recently unemployed Juggalo

"I'm trying to grow this rat tail but I just don't give a fuck."

-- A large man with no shirt and a farmer's tan

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"I gotta warm up 'cause I'm a little bitch nigga on the inside."

-- Hopsin before stage-diving into the crowd

"'Whoop whoop? Dizzy, that don't make everything better after a serious accident. You gonna show up to the hospital and go 'Whoop whoop?'"

-- Hopsin, after an associate ran over somebody on the stage with a golf cart

"This is like the first shower these Juggalos have had in a year."

-- Onlooker working at a vending tent when it started pouring rain

"It's the last night of the Gathering, man."

-- Weeping, dreadlocked boy who approached us for a hug, not excited to return to his normal life. We don't blame him.

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