The Mayans Were Right: Lil Wayne & Paris Hilton Made a Song
Certain things in America just shouldn't exist. You shouldn't have to deal with cancer because cancer is a complete bitch. Or parking tickets. Or, for that matter, that guy who likes to lean over in the bathroom stall because he feels like he doesn't have enough room. Yeah, nobody likes that guy.
Also, if Hell had access to Spotify, I'm more than certain they would be cueing up Paris Hilton and Lil Wayne's duet "Last Night" and cranking it to the max. Now, Lil Wayne isn't a stranger to horrible singing, horrible rapping (at times) or doing anything to whore himself out for a rap check, oh no. How else could you explain an Enrique Iglesias collaboration?
Thus, we need to erect this rule in all of music. There need be a stages of Hell when it comes to terrible, utterly terrible music and how far your ears need to be from hearing such a thing.
LEVEL ONE: KEEP OUT OF THE HANDS OF CHILDREN
Mas Musica! featuring La Gusana Ciega, Porter, Siddhartha
TicketsSun., Oct. 2, 6:00pm
Nothing But Thieves presented by Ones To Watch
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Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats
TicketsMon., Oct. 3, 7:00pm
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TicketsMon., Oct. 3, 8:00pm
TicketsTue., Oct. 4, 7:00pm
Ex.: Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." Certain pop songs you already know are addictive, and children can be quite vindictive when they don't get their way. Give them a pop song like this and your ears will be turned into mush. No, it's not the worst thing in the world because you've caught yourself singing this at one point in time, but you get my drift.
LEVEL TWO: THEY COULD HAVE PLAYED THIS DURING OCCUPY WALL STREET
Ex.: Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." There's ironic and then there's ironically painful. May we never have to endure a moment where they make sure they play some music while you sit out in a public setting unaware of what's going on, so you just nod and grimace until it's all over.
LEVEL THREE: IT'S DARK AND HELL IS HOTTER WHEN THIS IS PLAYED
Ex.: Paris Hilton & Lil Wayne's "Last Night (I Wanna Bang You)." Painful, utterly painful. I'd much rather get overcharged for beers at House of Blues over and over again before having to deal with this again. It's the audio equivalent of getting your tongue ripped out and used for a Danzig show.
Lil Wayne just doesn't know the meaning of "all money isn't good money." And by uttering the words, "I'd like to spend a night in Paris," I hereby believe he has the constitution of a triathlete. There's terrible pop records and then there's whatever these two did when they were in the studio.
We've already lost reality TV to the Hiltons, now we can officially say we've lost Lil Wayne.
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