If Rolling Stone loves your album, it means...
• You are a well-established musician with legions of loyal fans who may be interested in perhaps taking out some full-page advertisements in, oh, say, some kind of mainstream rock publication.
• Your album was released 30 years ago and our critics at the time shit all over it. History, however, has chosen to remember your album as a classic, so we'll give it a second, glowing review in which we accuse the guy who reviewed it the first time of tragic short-sightedness so that we don't go down in history as the only assholes who didn't like Led Zeppelin III.
If Pitchfork loves your album, it means...
• They are going to fucking detest your second album, whether it's any good or not.
• Expect legions of new "fans" in tight, brightly colored clothes who go to your shows for the sole purpose of finding their friends and talking in a big circle while smoking outside.
• By this time next year, you will be forgotten completely.
If Entertainment Weekly loves your album, it means...
• Nothing. Entertainment Weekly loves everything.
If The Onion's A.V. Club loves your album, it means...
• You are younger than 25 and brand-new on the scene or older than 60 and never made it big.
• You must have had a ton of obscure literary/pop-culture references on the album. Keep it up.
• You now have the approval of people who think Pitchfork isn't elitist and snobby enough. So... enjoy that.
If Kerrang! loves your album, it means...
• You sound exactly the correct amount like Bad Religion.
• Skaters dig you. There are still skaters, right?
• Power chords: You can play them.
If Slant loves your album, it means...
• It must be pretty good, because those guys don't like anything.
• Congratulations, you just peaked.
If Sputnikmusic loves your album, it means...
• It's quiet, introspective, and very ambient. Exactly the kind of thing to calm the frazzled nerves of a music critic who's done way too much cocaine.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
• They'll call it "your most accessible album yet" even though it isn't. By far. They just think it's funny when the average person fires up a CD expecting something human-sounding and is instead greeted by an echoing collection of computer groans and occasional taps on a marimba.
• Seriously, do you have any Xanax? I'm about to totally lose my shit.