The Nine Worst Things About Coachella's First Weekend

Note: The first weekend of Coachella, Southern California's version of FPSF, has just concluded Sunday (or early Monday) in the high desert outside Palm Springs. Our friends at LA Weekly and OC Weekly made it through the whole blessed thing, and kindly brought us this recap.

Photo by Timothy Norris
Coachella's first weekend was amazing this year! Except when it wasn't. Here are the parts of the festival that rubbed us the wrong way.

Saturday Night dust storm (above) Conditions may not have been as bad as they were during last year's Red Hot Chili Peppers set, but Saturday night's dusty conditions were still pretty awful. The winds started picking up when the sun started going down, and by dusk, the sky had turned a coffee-stain brown and festivalgoers were wiping desert residue from their eyeglasses and exposed skin.

Dust got everywhere -- in the cracks of your smartphone, for starters, and then, later, in your scalp, nose and bronchial tubes. It's a disgusting affair and a reminder to bring a handkerchief next time. ADAM LOVINUS

Photo by Ben Westhoff
Blow-Up Sex Dolls The new trend at Coachella this year was blow-up sex dolls. No, seriously, a number of people had them and were attempting to bat them around the crowd like beach balls, or crowd-surf them. All of the ones we saw were male; some were African-American, and some were Caucasian, like the one above, which got punctured during Neutral Milk Hotel's set before being abandoned. Check out its flaccid sex-doll dick. BEN WESTHOFF

The Couple Having Shameless, Intense Sex By the Media Tent Coachella already has plenty of dry-humping, but you don't often witness folks having actual sex right out in the open. But these folks on Saturday night had absolutely no shame, they weren't just grinding -- they were putting on a straight up raunchy sex show for all to see.

Since there was a sign for the press tent right beside them, they were clearly hoping to make the news, so we suppose they win in the end. But still, gross. MARY CARREON

Photo by Timothy Norris
Meatheads Moshing During the Pixies We're not against mosh pits by any means. That said, there's a time and place for ramming your sweaty, shirtless beer belly into other people, and during the Pixies' set in an overcrowded tent isn't it.

But that's what a handful of burly dudes did Saturday night during every single song -- even the acoustic ones. The crowd around them wasn't into their toes being trampled or getting elbows to the face, but the bros didn't let that get in the way of their good time. Save it for Mötorhead, dudes. TAYLOR HAMBY

Friendly People Hey person I don't know who's talking to me, apropos of nothing! Super-glad that you feel like reaching out to tell me you like my shoes, or my hat, or just my general vibe, but it kinda sorta completely doesn't count if you're only talking to me because you're on molly.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to get to know you and learn what you're all about, but let's do it over an iced coffee sometime after you've had a bunch of 5-HTP. BEN WESTHOFF

List continues on the next page.


Photo by Colin Young-Wolff
Yes, but you should hear how long we waited in line.
VIP Overcrowding We know: Poor us, suffering among the Very Important People. But it was pretty damn crowded in there this year. There were so many people in the stage-viewing area that getting a glimpse of the Coachella stage was damn near impossible. In the end, many there likely felt they made a Very Idiotic Purchase. NATE JACKSON

Morons Filming During Neutral Milk Hotel It was no surprise when it was announced Neutral Milk Hotel wasn't allowing photography at Coachella this year; front man Jeff Mangum has made the same request at every show since returning to the public eye. To drive home the point, this announcement was made on the loudspeakers before the band's set, and again by Mangum himself.

You don't need more than a working knowledge of the band to know that Mangum is introverted and sensitive, and, by some accounts, suffers from crippling stage fright. But there's one (or ten) in every crowd who don't think the rules apply to them. You're so cool for shitting on the sole request made by an influential artist after his decade-long hiatus. I hope your Instagram likes were worth it. TAYLOR HAMBY

Photo by Timothy Norris
Waiting for Outkast Outkast were originally slated to start at 11:30 on Friday night, but then organizers bumped it up to just after 11. So that's when everyone showed up, but we stood around for some 45 minutes, shoulder-to-shoulder near the Coachella Stage soundboard, being jostled by the aggro-bros doggedly weaving toward the front.

What was happening? Well, the tech crew spent at least half of that time trying to get what looked like a giant red sheet on top of the cube thing Outkast performed inside of. But they couldn't do it, so we sat there like dopes. Maybe they should have ironed all of this out in the dress rehearsal? ADAM LOVINUS

Pulling the Plug This made Outkast's late start doubly irritating -- at 1 a.m. sharp, Outkast's mikes were cut, right at the start of what would have been an awesome final song: "The Whole World," featuring Killer Mike as a special guest. But just when Mike arrived on stage (presumably after flying here specially for the occasion) it was all over. Also on our shit list: Future, who spent what felt like ten extra minutes talking about (and performing from) his new album. NATE JACKSON


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