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The Ultimate Houston Rap Battle Royal: Who Should You Fight?

Of all of the Rap Round Table columns that have gone up, none generated more emails than this past Monday's "Which Rappers Would You Fight?" segment. Some people were pissed, some people were entertained, but most everyone had the same basic question: Why didn't anyone list any Houston rappers?

It's a legitimate question. Even considering the rapper responses that didn't make the cut for the column, not one single person listed any Houston dudes. (It's worth mentioning that Yung Redd said that that's exactly what would happen when he we spoke with him about it.)

Big as the city is, most of the rappers here touch hands eventually (except at Trae Day, of course), so maybe it's because nobody wanted to step on any toes. Or maybe it's because they've all taken to airing out their grievances on Twitter like real thugs. Whatever the case may be, they didn't answer.

So we did. For more than 70 living Houston rappers.

Hit the jump for the full guide on which ones you should or should not try to fight if you see them at the Galleria.

SHOULD YOU FIGHT...

The Ultimate Houston Rap Battle Royal: Who Should You Fight?

Bun B: No. There is never a circumstance where it's okay to fight Bun B. Never. Not ever. If you get home from a long day's work tonight and walk in on him having sex with your girlfriend after he had just finished nailing your little sister, your mother and your favorite Aunt, you still shouldn't. Matter of fact, you should probably take a second to make him a sandwich and fix him a drink. Because's probably tired. Don't be an inconsiderate host, dick. #trill

Bushwick Bill: No. Sure, he claimed to have gone the Christian route recently, but he's still the guy that rapped about blowing a little girl's back off with 900 missiles. You think he'd hesitate to stomp you in the head?

Scarface: Yes. If you're going to try and bag a Geto Boy, 'Face is probably the one to go after. Not only is he the most iconic, which is a trait* that absolutely plays against him in this type of rankings, but he also looks like he'd have trouble with lateral movements. You know how they say if you run into an alligator on land you're not supposed to run straight back, you're supposed to make circles around and around him because they're really fast in straight lines but have a hard time turning? Probably the same thing here. Go with that fight plan.

*Here's what we mean about how being iconic plays against him here. Think on it like this: Would you rather fight Nas or Pitbull? Nas, of course. Because even though you'd probably beat up Pitbull, who gives a shit if you fought Pitbull? Nobody, that's who.

Willie D: Fuck no.

 

The Ultimate Houston Rap Battle Royal: Who Should You Fight?
Marco Torres

Trae: Please. That'd be like trying to fight a bulldozer.

Z-Ro: Please. That'd be like trying to fight a bulldozer that had probably murdered, like, at least four people already.

ESG: True story: When ESG was first gaining a lot of buzz, some guys broke into his house and tried to rob him and some other people there at the time. He wrestled the gun away from one of them and shot him in the head. So, no. No, you should not try to fight ESG.

Lil' Keke: Yes. His scowl is intimidating. His 5'7" stature is not.

Ganksta N.I.P.: Yes. And that seems counterintuitive, but here's why: N.I.P. is likely the meanest, toughest rapper in Houston. If not, he's certainly the craziest. And there's no chance you'd ever win. But that's all part of why you should fight him. If you lose a fight to N.I.P., well shit, you lost a fight with the most insane person in the city. You were supposed to. But you'd incidentally become tougher for having even been in that fight. Whereas if you lose a fight to Slim Thug, well, you just got beat up. There's a big difference. Speaking of...

Slim Thug: No. Have you ever meet Slim? He's huge. Trying to fight him would be like trying to fight one of those blue people from Avatar.

Devin the Dude: No. It seems like he'd be an easy out, but you have to remember that he's a tall guy, with an even taller guy's set of arms. He's gonna have a long, long reach. He'd probably pepper you with jabs before you ever even got a shot in. Plus, he seems like the kind of guy that might pee on you if he knocked you out. Even if reasonably thought you could take him, that's not a risk that should ever be taken. You don't want to live the rest of your life known as The Guy That Devin The Dude Peed On At Harlem Knights.

The Ultimate Houston Rap Battle Royal: Who Should You Fight?

Paul Wall: No. You're talking about a white kid that grew up trying to convince people that he was a rapper. There's no telling how many fights he got into. He's probably got hands like Roy Jones Jr.

Chamillionaire: Yes. He refers to himself as a lizard. That's adorable. And he has a Grammy. You can't not try and beat up someone with a Grammy. You should fight Beyonce too if you see her too. She has 16 of those fucks. #BeyonceIsSoPaid

Michael "5000" Watts: Tough one. Let's go with yes. And let's go with the Alligator Attack strategy too.

OG Ron C: No. Why? Because he got tasered in the neck and didn't die. You think a punch is gonna do anything?

K-Rino: Yes. He looks like he'd be cobra-quick. And he has really big hands, which means he has really big fists. But he's an intellect at heart. In a debate, you wouldn't stand a chance. In a fight, maybe you wouldn't be completely outgunned.

Yung Redd: Yes. Mostly based on the flawed logic that since we see him in a lot of pictures where he's hunched over with his hands on his thighs (like on the covers of Eviction Notice and Eviction Notice 3) he might be susceptible to upper cuts.

Big Pokey: No. He's a little too bear-like to provoke. And he calls himself the "Croc Bull." We don't know what exactly a Croc Bull is, but it doesn't sound like anything you'd want to pickle.

 

The G.R.I.T. Boys: No. They've been together forever, and all seem pretty down for each other, so there's no way you'd be able to fight one without the other two jumping in. Three on one never worked out well for anybody that wasn't starring in a porno. If you could somehow separate them, though...

Poppy: Yes.

Scooby: Yes. But know going in that he's a scrapper. He might be the most intimidating guy under 150 pounds in the city.

Niq: No. He has crazy-man eyes.

Mike Jones: No. Somebody has to give that guy a break, right? But if you did, it'd probably go in your favor.

Archie Lee and Coota Bang: Yes. But they're a package deal, so you're going to end up fighting both of them at once.

Madd Hatta: Yes. Why? Did you hear his 1995 album All About Me? He sounded like Da Brat on it. Nobody who's ever been described as having "sounded like Da Brat" has ever beaten anybody up.

J-Mac: No. That dude is jacked.

GT Mayne: Yes. He looks like a tiny Rick Ross. Normal-sized Rick Ross you don't fight. Tiny Rick Ross, you do.

Jay'Ton from ABN: No. Not a chance. He just got out of prison, like, four hours ago. Plus, we once watched a video of him beat up a guy at a hotel that was running his mouth. His hands are like bricks.

Yung Quis from ABN: Yes. Because his name is three letters away from being Yung Quiche. And you should always fight guys named after custard based dishes.

Yung Chill: Yes.

J-Dawg: Fuck no. Something about that guy is scary as shit. He's got that very serious scowl about him that makes it looks like he just stuffed a body into his trunk and now he's trying to figure out where he should dump it. Never fight dudes like that.

Chuckway of SDS: No. He's thin, but he's scrappy thin, not pussy thin. Same as Scooby.

Mug of SDS: No. Because we're fairly certain we saw him on one of those Lockup prison shows on MSNBC.

Killa Kyleon: No. Because he once remade Beyonce's "Ego." You only remake a Beyonce song if you a) are a tough son of a bitch, or b) have an upcoming show at that gay bar South Beach. Kyleon was not on their events calendar.

Lil' Flip: Yes. Because he still has braids even though it's 2010. Also, because he shot that rap video for those kids that specialize in garage sales.

SPM: No. That little chubby fellow was nerve-racking.

All The Guys From The Latino Hip-Hop Scene: Yes. All of 'em. They might all be a bit crazy, but none of them are so physically imposing that you would ever be overwhelmed by one of them. Actually, you might want to sidestep Rob G. He has a tattoo on his head, and no sane person has ever walked into a tattoo parlor and been like, "Yo, let me get one on my head." You'd probably have to smash him in the face with a 2x4 or something before he stopped coming at you.

H-Kane: Yes.

 

Fat Tony: Like hell yeah.

Nosaprise: No. You always fight a dude with cornrows. But you never fight a dude* with dreadlocks. Guys with dreadlocks just flat out don't give a shit.

*Unless he's white. White guys with dreads, you fuckin' fight those guys on sight.

Killa Cal-Wayne: No. Because he survived growing up in Cuney Homes in Third Ward. When people who have been cast out of Heaven arrive to Hell and see the lakes of fire and horrible creature demons and all of the teeth gnashing and torture devices they're like, "Phew, I thought they were gonna send me to Cuney Homes. Thank goodness they just sent me to Hell."

Harole Wayne da Candeman of the Big Body Click: Yes. He's just too jolly, is why.

Medicine Man of the Big Body Click: No. Because of two reasons: One, when we interviewed a ways back, he preceded the interview by removing and disarming his gun. And two, a car once fell on him and he didn't die.

Hollywood F.L.O.S.S.: Yes. He's a tiny guy. Real tiny. Here's a picture of F.L.O.S.S. lying down on his side with his shirt off. 0-|-

B L A C K I E: Fuck no. That dude is crazy. He almost certainly wouldn't stop pummeling you until he yanked your arm off or something.

All 47 Guys From Hueston Independent Spit District: Yes, if only because it'd be like that scene in The Matrix II where Neo is fighting all of the Agent Smiths.

Kyle Hubbard: Yes.

Knesecary: Yes, because he spells his name like that. If he'd have spelled it with too many "C"s or not enough "E"s, then that would have meant he was dumb and dumb guys are usually good at fighting. But he was trying to be clever with that spelling. Clever guys are always bad at fighting. Demetri Martin is clever. David Cross is clever. Do you think those guys ever beat anyone up?

The guys from JUZCOZ: Yes and no. You fight Roderick Vonn. You do not fight Chilawil. That guy is built like a UFC fighter.

All of Houston's Female Rappers: Yes. TroubleSum, Candi Redd, Kharma, Sugar, MC Router, Perseph One, Kenika, even Just Brittany and the girls from Sophia Fresh for good measure. All of them. Oh, except maybe Surreall. She looks mean as shit. She'd almost surely have a knife on her when you met.

Sam Sneed: Yes. If you lined up all of the city's premiere spiritual rappers and were told you absolutely had to fight one of them, Sneed would be your first pick. Your last pick would be...

Soulbrotha: No. He's a spiritual rapper, but he's built like he could fuck you up if he really felt like it.

Hash Brown: No. For the same reasons you shouldn't fight Devin the Dude, minus the peeing on you part.

The Guys from Guerilla Foco Clan: Yes. Because you'd win.

All Four of The Niceguys: Yes.

Delo: Yes.

Dirty and Nasty: Yes. It's a rule that you should always fight guys whose names are also adjectives.

PKT: Yes. His initials stand for Pimp Killa Thug, and that should be scary, but we know for a fact that he not only owns a vest, but that he also wears it. Nobody has ever looked threatening in a vest.

Church and Montana (ATW): No and yes. Never fight guys named after places you go to pray but always fight guys named after states that are bordered by Canadian provinces. Conversely, you should always fight guys named after places where you go to eat (Denny, Jim) but never fight guys named after states that are bordered by Mexico (Tex, Cal).

If you're a Houston rapper in Houston and didn't make the list, email us. We'll make sure you get added to the paperback version.


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