I know I'm not a cynic because the strange-but-true news stories involving our species still sometimes shock me. Even after all these years, I rarely ho-hum something like this. Or this. Or, especially this.

So when I read the tale of Michael A. Brown I naturally had questions. You may know him better as "Man Arrested for Sucking Toes at North Carolina Walmart." Before I go much further, I'm fully aware his alleged actions constitute a crime and that he is a registered sex offender. Apparently Brown is a vile predator who forces his will upon others.

But his alleged crime aside, I honestly wondered about this individual's thought process --and don't tell me you didn't too. In case you're only interested in Crimea and other important news, here's a synopsis: Brown allegedly entered the store, posed as a podiatry student and got an unsuspecting woman to try on several pairs of shoes for "research." At some point while "assisting" her, he helped himself to a toe sandwich by shoving her foot in his mouth.

When she objected, Brown allegedly attempted to make amends by offering to buy the woman's groceries. No thanks, she said, I'll just call the cops. He had allegedly unsuccessfully used a similar ruse at another Walmart earlier in the day.

So many questions, but I'll just ask one. What the hell? Since I can't ask Brown, and because he will probably now actually keep his mouth closed, I have to turn somewhere for answers. I go where I almost always do -- to music:

Charlie Rich, "Behind Closed Doors" I'm not here to criticize anyone's bedroom pleasures, so long as they're practiced by consenting adults in glorious privacy. Makes no difference to me what someone lets you put in your mouth, so long as you have that adult's consent and I don't have to see it. If you want to suck the black Revlon nail enamel right off Sally Hansen's big toe, I have no problem with that, if Sally doesn't. That is, if Sally is a consenting adult and you're both not in plain sight.

As Charlie Rich sang long ago, "no one knows what goes on behind closed doors." That's right, Charlie. Why was this individual compelled to share his private obsession with Walmart's surveillance system and, therefore, all of humanity? You know, because the Internet. All I've got for an answer is he's a very sick person who needs psychiatric help.

Kia Shine feat. Yung Joc, "Club Walmart" I admit, I'm a bit of a snob about Walmart, meaning I avoid the place at all costs. So the very first question I had was why anyone, even a disturbed person, would look for strange toes to suck at a nasty-ass Walmart. Why not Target? Or maybe a classier joint, like Nordstrom? Had Brown never seen that People of Walmart blog? When's the last time you saw someone pushing a broom in that place?

According to this song, by Kia Shine and Yung Joc, I've got it all wrong. They liken the place to the hottest spot for heavenly hotties, not the ninth circle of hell as I typically imagine it. Maybe Brown took lyrics like "Ay, this place filled with college girls/ We gonna change the name/ Club Wally World" to heart. Or maybe he needs help from a psychiatric professional.

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