The Worst Hairpieces In Rock & Roll (And We Mean Bad)
Photo manipulations by John Seaborn Gray
Getting older is no fun. Your body starts to hurt for no reason, you lose all your energy, you stop being able to digest certain foods, you realize just about everyone in the world is an asshole (including yourself), you get cranky and curmudgeonly and threatened by youth, you unrealistically romanticize "the old days" and obsess over not having appreciated them enough, your relatives start to die off, you understand how much time and potential you've wasted through the years, your feelings grow less intense until you slip into a sort of permanent numbness, your hope fades, your dreams die, and your body finally starts to resemble the dried-up old husk you've already become on the inside.
And worst of all, sometimes your hair falls out.
What can you do? Well, you could accept what's happening to you and trim up your remaining hair into something debonair and tasteful. You could shave your head for a more daring look. You could start getting really into hats. You could grow out your beard and what hair you have left for that fashionable "might be a hobo, might just be into indie-rock" look.
However you choose to accept your impending baldness, you'll probably be doing it a lot less embarrassingly than a few achingly insecure rock stars. Here are some of the worst hairpieces in rock.
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Makes Him Look Like: The One-Armed Man from the 1993 film The Fugitive.
What He Should Do Instead: Replace it with a nice houndstooth flat cap like any good Chicagoan.
Makes Him Look Like: Kenny Rogers.
What He Should Do Instead: Put more than $20 into his Weave Expenses Account.
Made Him Look Like: Jim Traficant.
What He Should Have Done Instead: Three words: Blue suede toupee.
Makes Him Look Like: Old Criss Angel, if Criss Angel was a dude.
What He Should Do Instead: Shave it all off, get a Fedora, and some really snazzy earrings. We feel like he would look like a really savvy boxing promoter.
Makes Him Look Like: Stuart Smalley.
What He Should Do Instead: Bring back the Donald Duck costume.
Pat Boone replaces his toupee after having knocked it off while performing a lasso trick on a talk show. Yes, really.
Makes Him Look Like: A televangelist.
What He Should Do Instead: Full blackface, start a full-on minstrel show. Hell, his music is already there.
Makes Him Look Like: Oh, we don't know, almost like some kind of crazy murderer or something.
What He Should Do Instead: Not worry quite so much about looking pretty for the guys on his cell block.
Makes Him Look Like: The douchebag he is.
What He Should Do Instead: Just fuck off. Forever.
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