Top 10 Soul-Destroying No. 1 Hits

Do you have the moves that Jagger used on Bowie?
Do you have the moves that Jagger used on Bowie?
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I don't like these songs. I feel it's ridiculous that hundreds of thousands of people actually paid out money and drove them to the top of the Billboard charts. While they might not necessarily be the absolute worst examples of the lowest common denominator's purchasing power, they quickly came to mind as times when a large group of people decided to reward inauthenticity and inanity or indulged in the lowest of lows.

I'd say "it's fine if you don't agree with me, you can't force me to listen to them," but I am being forced to listen these songs. They're in commercials, they're playing as I'm stuck in line at CVS, they're pitch-shifted to come out of the Chipmunks' mouths.

My only recourse is to grow angry at their general acceptance, resent the smugness with which they are revered, and complain about them here.

10. Will Smith, "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" In and of itself, this is harmless. Its racial-empowerment themes are actually quite noble. But the implications of this sitting atop the charts for three weeks and earning a Grammy just as the dream of '90s was dying and reality television was stretching the proverbial "15 minutes" into eternity? They were devastating.

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Smith, the Wikipedia jpeg of "triple threat," proved that to truly dominate you must conquer television, music and film (sigh, it used to be the stage). Multicamera small-screen stars were brushed aside for nude survivors and spoiled heiresses, but the quest for superstardom remained.

Now we can have Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline and Kim Kardashian in our playlist. It goes to show that the bigger and brighter your star burns, the hotter and steamier the turds you can force people down people's throats while they have actual shit-eating grins.

9. Plain White T's, "Hey There Delilah" On the surface there's not really much offensive going on here. In fact, you might even call it the little song that could, lifting a middling pop-punk outfit from the ranks of semi-obscurity and consecrating "Delilah" as an "indie" anthem.

And that's the problem. Just like the following entry, this is song is an imposter from every angle. There are so many hardworking indie bands happy just to make one addition to the pantheon of meaningful music, but here's this choad promising to secure the future with his guitar.

The truth behind the song belies its false authenticity: "Delilah" was merely an acquaintance whom the singer was trying to bone.

8. Avril Lavigne, "Complicated" Sixteen weeks. Two Grammy nominations.This song is basically that $5,000 Burberry "punk" vest. It's a song about a boy pretending to be somebody he's not sung by a girl pretending to be somebody she's not.

Now we have frat daddies in slip-on Vans, and preteen girls are walking around believing Taylor Swift is Kathleen Hanna.

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