Well, today is the day Twilight: Eclipse is released, and a million voices are screaming, "Honey, do we hafta?"
Since Gothtopia already runs a column on vampires - and may we add that Bill Compton would put some serious maim in Edward Cullen's sparkle motion? - today we're gonna talk about werewolves.
This isn't a Team Jacob thing. Nobody who has read the last book or had its plot explained to them in ear-raping detail would root for what's-her-name to end up with Jacob. No, this is just about werewolves, and specifically, what five songs are currently spinning in Jacob Black's iPod.
Teen Wolf (Theme From the Animated Series): Saturday morning cartoons used to be much better, or everybody who works at the Rocks Off blog used to have really horrible taste. Regardless, Gothtopia never, ever missed an episode of this short-lived animated series based on the Michael J. Fox masterpiece.
Unfortunately, the series has only been released on DVD in Australia. That's too bad. The rising youth werewolf culture, who we can only assume fights with the older vampyre culture over high-school chicks, could certainly learn a lot of important lessons from the show.
Metallica, "Of Wolf and Man": Metallica's fan base is exactly like Christianity, in that there are a lot of different sects that don't get along. Some see 1991's black album as the beginning of Metallica's decline, others as the band's finest moment. We won't argue a point of metal here in an article about a young-reader book series' cinematic adaptation, but we will put forth the theory that the best songs on that album are the ones never released as singles.
"My Friend of Misery," "The God That Failed" and especially "Of Wolf and Man" have, to our minds, shown to be stronger than overly pop-oriented compositions like "Enter Sandman."
Meat Loaf, "You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth": This track from Meat's legendary 1977 album Bat Out of Hell gets on the list for for its short, dramatic opening scene. Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? You're damn right we would! We'd like to add that a better werewolf, Remus Lupin of the Harry Potter series, has this in his iPod as well, according to wizard-rock band Remus and the Lupins, who covered the song.
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Shakira, "She Wolf": Shakira is definitely one of those artists out there making sure dancey pop music doesn't go completely into the toilet. She makes Danzig want to speak Spanish, damnit! The title track off of 2009's She Wolf is a hell of a tune, with an great almost NSFW video. Shakira explains the song's predatory message with a desire to pay more attention to what she needs, a point of view pretty adequately summed up in the dil-hole that is Jacob.
Ozzy Osbourne, "Bark at the Moon": Both a vampire and a werewolf track, "Bark at the Moon" is Ozzy's tale of a resurrected were-beast returning to wreak havoc on the town that killed it. Though Ozzy actually contributed very little to the song, written primarily by Jake E. Lee and Bob Daisley, the title supposedly came from an old joke that Ozzy used to tell where the punch line was, "Eat shit and bark at the moon!"
The song is also notable being considered one of the hardest songs in Guitar Hero. About as hard as sitting through Eclipse is going to be. Sigh...