Top Eight Bands That Sound Best When You're Drunk
Some bands are great no matter what state you're in; some are terrible regardless of whether or not you could pass a breathalyzer test. Some bands, however, exist in a curious in-between zone, where what was merely decent, average or even uninteresting becomes enthralling with the simple addition of alcohol.
You may not agree with all or any of Rocks Off's choices, but as usual, we don't care. No, come on, don't get mad, baby, we're just messing with you. Leave your own suggestions in the comments.
What they're like when you're sober: First song: "AC/DC! Yes! Rollin' thunder, poundin' rain... you turn me on like a hurricane!" Second song: "Sweet, somebody must have played the whole album!" Third song: "Didn't they just play this song? No? Different song? Huh. Kinda hard to tell." Fourth song: "Jesus, how many AC/DC songs have played so far tonight? Ten? Twelve?" Fifth song: "Can someone please unplug the jukebox?"
What they're like when you're drunk: "Dude, these guys are true originals. Nobody rocked like they did when they first started. Listen to that, man. That is all balls. They're like... like a snapshot of the era, forever frozen in time. Listen to those lyrics. We are on the highway to Hell, man. We all are."
What they're like when you're sober: "The Sex Pistols? Oh man, I haven't listened to them since high school! Right on, turn it up!" *song plays for about a minute* "This is it? This is what my friends and I were obsessed with for three solid years? Man... ever get the feeling like you've been cheated?"
What they're like when you're drunk: "Hey man. Hand me that billiard ball." *smashes a pyramid of empty beer bottles across the room with it* "FUUUUCK YEEEEEEAAAAH!!!" (Note: This anecdote is based upon actual events from Rocks Off's life that almost got Rocks Off Sr. Kicked out of an Austin co-op.)
What he's like when you're sober: "Okay, look, I love Tom Waits, but... it's a beautiful day outside, we're enjoying a nice lunch, I'm just not really in the mood for him, okay? I don't need to hear songs about the end of the world right now. Check the jukebox, they got any Tears For Fears? Oh, 'Mad World,' very funny. I want something that doesn't sound like it should be playing while Ophelia drowns herself, goddammit."
What he's like when you're drunk: "Holy shit, man. Holy shit. Listen to these lyrics. I think Tom Waits might be the only musician who I would like just for his lyrics, even if his music wasn't awesome. He paints a picture, dude. With his words. Aw, man... why did she leave me, man? I think I'm a pretty good guy... she said she just wasn't feeling it anymore. How can someone just not feel? How can someone do that?" *weeps deeply into glass of bourbon*
What they're like when you're sober: "Oh, cool, I like these guys. Oof, can we fast forward to a song without the bagpipes, though? Can't really handle the bagpipes when I'm sober. Are these guys really Irish? No? Huh. Well then... what's with all the Irish shit? Are we only supposed to be listening to this on St. Patrick's Day?"
What they're like when you're drunk: "Dude. Dude. Hey. Hey, listen. Let's fuckin' go visit Boston. No, I mean like... right now. Get out your BlackBerry, let's book a flight."
What they're like when you're sober: "Oh cool, these guys are great. They're like... what if the band at your nearest bar read nothing but Faulkner and Bukowski. Pretty cool." *five minutes later, falls fast asleep*
What they're like when you're drunk: "Listen! Listen to the words, guys! They're like... they're funny, but also heartbreaking. No, come on, man, seriously, listen, it hits you right here... no I'm not. No, you're a pussy, pussy!"
What they're like when you're sober: "Oh Christ. I think we've accidentally walked into my high school reunion. Let's get out of here."
What they're like when you're drunk: "Oh hells to the yeah, man! Shiiiit... this is back when techno could rock, dude. Now it's all just fruity bullshit. What? No, I'm not homophobic. No, listen to what I'm saying, okay? I'm saying guitars make techno sound awesome. Without 'em, it's just a soundtrack for dicksucking. Dude, I just told you, I'm not a homophobe. I love gay people. Not like that. Just shut up."
What they're like when you're sober: "How the hell long is this guitar solo gonna keep going? What is the point of this crap? Wheedly-wheedly-noodly... we get it. Let's have a chorus or something."
What they're like when you're drunk: "Psssh, yeah, we can listen to Beginner Dead like 'The Devil Is a Friend of Mine' if you wanna be a poseur like that, sure. I guess you just can't handle True Dead. All right, who's holding? Come on, admit it, one of you guys is holding. Fess up. I'll spring for Taco Bell after we smoke out my Volkswagen."
What they're like when you're sober: "...all these songs sound the same."
What they're like when you're drunk: "...this is the best band in the entire world."
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