Since we've been trying to confirm his soon-to-be-signed-to-Swishahouse status, we've been following Mr. Ice around, sneaking around corners and putting our ears to whatever keyholes we think he might be behind. Here is a transcript of what we overheard (overhearing is legal, right? There's no right to privacy issues on overhearing, right?)
Television exec #1: So, Mr., ah, Vanilla?
Television exec #2: Or is it Mr. Ice?
Vanilla Ice: You can call me Rob, actually. Mr. Ice sounds like you're talking to a metal box sitting outside of a gas station with random dudes grabbing bags of ice out of me. (Laughs)
Television exec #1: What gas station?
Television exec #2: Are we cross-promoting with the Oil & Gas Division again?
Vanilla Ice: Maybe you should just call me Mr. Van Winkle.
Television exec #1: I must say, Mr. Ice, before we get down to brass tacks, I'm quite the fan. I must have worn my copy of "Ice Ice Baby" out, listening to it every morning before school.
Vanilla Ice: That's nice of you to say that. What college were you going to?
Television exec #1: Oh no, Mr. Ice, junior high. You really got me pumped up for the day.
Television exec #2: I was too young for "Ice Ice Baby"; my older sisters listened to you, though.
Vanilla Ice: Anyway, the deal I'm here for, I understand it's a scripted reality show.
Television exec #1: Yes, that's right.
Television exec #2: A reality show about your real life, day to day, but we'll give you a script of what to do and say.
Vanilla Ice: Well, ah, I guess...
Television exec #1: We're casting for your best friend now.
Television exec #2: We figure a slightly younger male, someone who can look up to you. Maybe a redhead.
Vanilla Ice: But I have my own, real-life best friend.
Television exec #1: But the character will have to be vetted.
Television exec #2: Right, we don't want any nude-photo incidents like Miss Delaware.
Television exec #1: I think it was Miss Ohio.
Vanilla Ice: Whoever it was, I already have a best friend -- Jimmy.
Television exec #1: But he's a real person. That's so, so hard to get past the lawyers.
Television exec #2: And with little children involved, we have to be extra careful.
Vanilla Ice: Little children? I'm going to be rapping to little children?
Television exec #1: Rapping? (Laughs) Oh, no, Mr. Ice, you won't be rapping.
Television exec #2: Gosh, no!
Vanilla Ice: So what will I be doing?
Television exec #1: We're redoing Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, but with an edge.
Television exec #2: We're calling it Vanilla Nice.
Vanilla Ice: Oh, sweet Jesus...
Television exec #1: So, if you'll just sign here, Mr. Ice.
Television exec #2: Mr. Ice, Mr. Ice, why are you crying?
Vanilla Ice performs Saturday, March 24, at the Scout Bar, 18307 Egret Bay Boulevard, 281-335-0002.