Tomorrow night at 2016 Mainstage, Houston gets to relive its (our?) dark white-rap past when Dallas native Vanilla Ice hits the stage at the venue formerly known Sammy's On Main.
Yes, that Vanilla Ice, from our haughty neighbors to the north who can do no wrong in the eyes of Texas Monthly. Vanilla Ice, who we hear is a stand-up dude, is one of Big D's greatest and most infamous musical exports. It's like Houston and the newly indicted Roger Clemens.
As far as our cities go, we both have plenty of modern homegrown music to crow about. Dallas has the mighty Pantera, Reverend Horton Heat, Meat Loaf, Dixie Chicks, Erykah Badu, MC 900 Ft. Jesus, Jonathan Tyler and Edie Brickell. Plus they adopted Blue October, and we all know how that turned out.
As it stands, Houston gets the longer end of the hip-hop stick. The Dallas Observer (hey Pete!) can talk all they want, but in the end "Stanky Legg"ers the G-Spot Boyz, The D.O.C. and some other tagalongs can't really stand up next to Slim Thug, Bun B, the Geto Boys, Paul Wall, Lil' Keke, Mike Jones, Fat Tony, Devin The Dude, Fat Pat, DJ Screw, Pimp C, Z-Ro, Lil' Flip... we should probably just stop. OK, and Trae too. Chingo Bling.
So Dallas does have some great stuff going for it, but it's not like they have ZZ Top, Lightnin' Hopkins, Bill Hicks, Beyonce Knowles, the Wild Moccasins or anything. According to our list, Dallas is one of the biggest breeding grounds for Disney Pop, American Idol chum and classic-rock drones.
11. Steve Miller: We would rather listen to the worst ZZ Top song ever than "The Joker" anytime. Now the brain donors over at USC's Thornton School of Music (we went to Yale, we can hate) are letting Miller teach the ins and outs of music to undergrads and masters students. Stick your pompatus of love up your ass, Steve.
10. Kelly Clarkson: Thanks Dallas, this blog just made us listen to "Breakaway" and tear up again.
9. Demi Lovato: Well hello, Miss Lovato, can we get you a drink? Maybe a wine cooler or a Smirnoff Ice?
8. Selena Gomez: The uncomfortably attractive Gomez turned 18 just a few weeks ago, to the delight of men and women alike.
7. Boz Scaggs: Leave it to someone from Dallas to soil the soundtrack of the greatest movie ever made in Houston about Houston. Boz Scagg's "Look What You've Done to Me" was the turd in the punch bowl amidst the Charlie Daniels Band and Joe Walsh. Thanks Boz, no worries.
6 & 5. The Simpson Sisters: Jessica Simpson is the best thing to ever happen to Oreos and tuna, and Ashlee's womb is the playground for Pete Wentz's future children. Also stay classy, Joe Simpson, the only man who would probably try to sell a sex tape to Vivid Video of his own daughter's wedding night if he could.
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4. Don Henley: We just finished reading a book about the Eagles and we now hate Don Henley. He's pretty much the worst person who ever had a perm, and that's including every math teacher we ever had.
3. Neon Indian: There's not a day that ends in "y" if we don't get an email from a harried publicist about Neon Indian. It sucks that the band's previous incarnations, Vega and Ghosthustler didn't get their just rewards. We get stuck with the Hipster Runoff Fleetwood Mac.
2. Ryan Cabrera: We saw this SOB at SXSW one year and thought he was Cisco Adler. Naturally, he dated Ashlee Simpson, right? Can you imagine someone thinking you were Cisco Adler? Or Cisco Adler's balls?
1. Jason Castro: Nice POD dreadlocks, brah. You look like the Predator but not in a cool HR from Bad Brains way.