Vince Neil, Quiet Riot, Slaughter
Would you want to be Vince Neil? Hard to say. You'd get to be in Mötley Crüe, judge the Hooters Swimsuit Pageant in Las Vegas this month and have been married by MC Hammer on VH-1's The Surreal Life. But there's a strong possibility Aerosmith's "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" was written about you, so that's not too cool. All idle speculation, of course, as rock stars along the lines of Neil who sell millions of CDs without sacrificing their cock-rock visions will probably never happen again. Kids today will never get to experience bands like the Crüe, Slaughter and Quiet Riot in an unironic setting. Quiet Riot has perhaps done the best job of the three at escaping outright ridicule, because their version of Slade's "Cum on Feel the Noize" is unabashedly genius, but Slaughter might also get a bad rap. They've got a perfect hair-metal name, and will be forever immortalized on the Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey sound track. Still, most people will probably show up for Neil, which is fine. But don't leave the house if you're wearing those ripped, acid-washed jeans ironically. You're going to see a guy who once popped Izzy Stradlin in the nose. He deserves to be taken seriously, for God's sake.
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