Vladimir Putin's Boyz II Men Sex Plan Is Phenomenal
It seems that Russian president Vladimir Putin has finally figured out what every middle-school boy has known since the '90's: if you play Boyz II Men for your date, it all but guarantees that her clothes are comin' off.
In a bid to astronomically increase the Russian birth rate, president Putin has hired the '90s ballad-crooning trio known for "End of the Road" and "I'll Make Love to You" to entice his citizens into gettin' it on. It's the right choice if you ask me, considering I believe their music is directly responsible for one in three American births during the early 1990s.
As silly as it sounds, I really feel like Putin may have hit the nail on the head with this one. I'm glad he's stopped the whole "trying to pay the citizens of Russia to have babies" thing; it was a little desperate. Women like it when you drive a hard bargain, offering nothing more than a little vodka and some ambiance. I mean, why pay for it, when all it takes is a little mood music to seal the deal?
In a slow-clap to his creativity, I'd like to offer a few song suggestions to Mr. Putin to help increase the odds of this weird, nationwide naughty-bits marathon succeeding. I'm helpful like that.
Mas Musica! featuring La Gusana Ciega, Porter, Siddhartha
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Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats
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"Cupid": I'd start out with this one, Mr. Putin, to ease the ladies into the comfort zone. Nothing destroys the deal faster than rushing things, so we've got to take it slowly. Besides, I kind of feel like you're the "cupid" in this scenario, drawing back your proverbial arrow, and aiming at the loins of your loyal citizens. The ultimate wing-man.
"Bounce, Shake, Move, Swing": The name says it all. Any song that can direct the women of Russia to bounce, shake, move, and swing is moving in the right direction for where we're trying to head.
"Beautiful Woman": What could be sexier than a song that includes lyrics like "If there could only be three more of me, then I could keep all these beautiful women?" Women love a challenge, and obviously if this guy needs to clone himself, he's a hot commodity.
I know, I know...there's no mention of the beautiful women of Russia among the references made to Dominican or Italian women, but you're in charge here. Have those Boyz switch up their lyrics to include Moscow, Kurgan, and Vladikavkaz. You're on your own on how to rhyme it, though. That's not my forte.
"All Night Long": At this point in the concert, the ladies will be well aware of where your plan is headed, considering all of the innuendos in my previous suggestions. If they're not, maybe it's time for a crash course in what we're looking for.
"Close the Door": This one's a no-brainer. I mean, the song flat-out says, "I wanna sex you, baby" while directing a ceremonial shutting of the door. It's a road map to Bootyville, next stop Russia. Not only are we setting the mood, we're reminding women that they're responsible for the modesty in this equation. A classier way of saying shut the door and do me, 'cuz it's sung in harmony.
"I'll Make Love to You": Perhaps a little cliched, but what better note to shut things down with? Offer her a little lovin' and throw in the whole "hold you tight" guarantee, and perhaps that frigid Russian weather won't deter the plans to get people procreating. It's worth a try, right?
Start preparing your maternity wards now, Russia. I see a baby-storm on the horizon.
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