We Hold Britney Spears Against Us For Four Minutes
Bellamy Bros. may hold new single against her a good deal longer...
Britney Spears' new single, "Hold It Against Me," leaked yesterday and was officially released earlier today. As of this moment, it's blowing up the charts at iTunes and radio. The song sounds as if she walked out of The Wayback Machine from 2000, at the exact moment when she stopped wearing panties.
Did you know she didn't wear any underpants in the video for "Oops...I Did It Again"? We started that rumor in 11th grade. Go us!
Anyhow the new single is killing radio and getting downloaded/stolen left and right, signaling a Britney revival of sorts. For other people, maybe - at this point, Rocks Off isn't sure if people still coming for the residual car-crash photos or actually digging the tune and Brit's image.
It's also pissing off the Bellamy Brothers, authors of the 1979 country No. 1 "If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Aganist Me?" Howard and David, who perform at Dosey Doe in the Woodlands on Valentine's Day (date alert!), released the following statement Tuesday afternoon, via their PR firm Absolute Publicity:
The Bellamy Brothers: Not amused.
David: "Howard and I have no personal beef with Britney. She's a talented gal. But professionally, well, in all honesty, we feel completely ripped off. Where's the originality?"
Howard: "Hey Brit... If I said you ripped off our song, would you hold it against me? Thanks."
USA Today described the song with a hyperbolic fit, creaming their Seven Jeans in the process saying, "Spears' new single delivers enough dizzying dance-pop ecstasy to ensure another chart-topping ride..."
We'll see about that.
Look, this member of Rocks Off loves dance-pop as much as the next guy. We listen to Gaga and Katy Perry in healthy doses and we can admit to that shit. It's rough, but we do.
We can appreciate Spears in the most musically academic way we can, what with paving the way for other female pop-singers, being quasi-pornographic, leading young boys into manual temptation, and ushering in the age of Perez Hilton. Remember when we counted down all the Spears vids we jerked it to? That was fun and uncomfortable.
And now, we shall switch on the new Britney song and give you a play-by-play. Be sure to read our comments out loud in a Howard Cosell voice. It helps. Let us step out of the royal we for a second...
0:01: OK I like this beat, and oh Jesus her voice is so processed. And high-pitched. And dumb. Real dumb. "Please forgeh meh", the phrasing and diction is hilarious.
0:37: The first chorus makes me feel like I am inside that creepy store in the mall that dresses up little girls like princesses and has that pink limo out front. Is it legal to say that I tried to rent it once?
1:05: Oh I get it, by hold "it" against me she means a man's penis, right? His erect penis while they are dancing sexily on the discotheque floor? I never would have known. You know, Britney, Lady Gaga would just say "Rub your dick on me" and be done with it.
1:14: The beat comes back. "I maybeeee jus' a lil' hazeeeh".
1:56: "You feel like paradise and I need a vacation tonight." Welp, pushing pause and going on my scheduled daily "Xanadu" break. One sec...
1:57: Back. Man, Olivia Newton-John was hot.
2:19: Crazy electro-breakdown, like from "Toxic." Yes, I heard the song. I didn't just mute the video. I imagine 18 year-old girls dancing to this at Rich's. Polyester retains body odor forever.
2:40: "Drop it like a hook and show me how you work it out." Like, in front of everyone? That's not fair, what are you going to show me? Drop your two kids and show me how you work it out, Britney. Who's tough now?
2:50: It's almost over, now it's just a remix within a remix. Like how on that one Metallica video they were filming a movie, remember that?
3:45: And...scene. That was four minutes of music, alright. Back to my stories. I still think "Womanizer" was a better song.
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