This weekend is Father's Day, a holiday in which fathers all over the Hallmark Empire receive cards and gifts ranging from power drills and bourbon to celebrate them sticking it out for the duration of your ragged existence on earth.
Craig's Hlist and his pops just started along again about a year ago once we moved out of his zip code. The previous 15 years had been fraught with screaming theological arguments and debate over how to best mow a lawn. Once we moved 30 minutes away from him, Craig's Hlist Sr. somehow got infinitely cooler, and we actually miss the guy when we aren't in Pearland. We love him more everyday that we get older.
He likes pho, guns, and jorts, so we are pretty much the same guy now except his mustache his way better. Plus all of our lady friends think he is hot as hell, which is demoralizing seeing that he has 25 years on us.
Fathers in music videos haven't always been too cool, with most of them characterized as chubby, fun-hating, anti-noise bastards in wife-beaters who usually beat their kids and their wives, naturally. Parents are supposed to be the antithesis of rock and roll. The dads in these videos are all angry war veterans, drunks, pedophiles, Lou Albano, or awful stage parents.
Watch these and thank the good lord that you don't have parents like this, and if you do, take that dude on Dr. Phil and hash it out. Or shoot him, like Janie did in the Aerosmith video. Whatever works. But man, he had it comin'.
This mean son of a bitch was in a handful Twisted Sister's videos as a teacher and a dad, screaming "Whaddyoowannadoowithyerlife?" Later on actor Mark Metcalf played the Maestro on Seinfeld.
It's funny to think that a dad would be threatened by his child listening to Nelson. If anything our dad would cry in the shower for an hour if he heard that news.
All Craig's Hlist knows is, if his daughter comes into the living room looking like a tramp and Lemmy busts through the wall on a chopper to steal her away, we would be honored and thankful.
Yet again, what father would make his child turn down the Michael Jackson? A year ago there would be a joke here about turning off Michael Jackson and children, but we think it's still too soon. Talk amongst your damned selves.
Well yeah, he was having sex with his daughter, he had to die. We miss the golden, latter-era Aerosmith something fierce.
Lead singer Art Alexakis has spent his musical career dealing with his dad's abandonment. This 1998 single helped the album sell nearly two million copies.
This was Lohan at the zenith of her hotness, before Samantha Ronson and the coke and the vodka and the car crashes and the vagina pics. And the movie Labor Pains.
We can't take a family ballad by a band called Faster Pussycat seriously. That's like Gwar recording the National Anthem. Wait a minute....
If our dad was Lou Albano, we would rather hang out with him than a bunch of dirty broads in the street. See, the dudes would come to us.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
The all-time dirtiest dad ever, Gainsbourg filmed this incestuous video with his daughter Charlotte who is now a singer and actor in her own right who records with Beck and was in the 2007 Bob Dylan epic I'm Not There. She seems to have turned out just fine for herself.