Which Goth Heroes Deserve Their Own Action Figures?
Gothtopia has been spending some time working a few shifts at Houston's most excellent new comic shop, 8th Dimension Comics. Mostly it's a way to fund our crippling Magic: The Gathering addiction. As we basked in the glory of geekdom and capitalism on a recent shift, we noticed that the shop sold an Iggy Pop action figure.
Now, we're not saying that Iggy doesn't deserve an action figure. Iggy deserves all the money in your wallet, three rounds with your woman, and pretty much anything else he wants. However, what they're calling an action figure is nothing of the kind. It's a plastic statue that, if you turn any limb on its point of articulation, becomes so unbalanced that Iggy falls over.
OK, that part is at least accurate.
Todd MacFarlane is to blame for this, and that's sad because he started out so well. When we were collecting the original KISS figures they came with rocket launchers and axes, and guitars you could surf through space on. You could have adventures. Next thing we know, every figure he releases is clearly meant to never do a single thing.
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Maybe we could start a revolution in action figuring. Only one way to find out. By slowly burning a Crow figure while our two-foot-tall, animatronic Edward Scissorhands conducted the sacred rites over the pyre, we summoned the Gothic Council.
Joining the Council this week are spooky dessertier Lynda Rouner, gothic fashion designer Batty, stylist Carol Daeumer, Toby Rider of the band Ending the Vicious Cycle, and creepy dollmaker Ugly Shyla.
Lynda Rouner: I think there should be a Siouxsie action figure. It should be the Hyena-era Siouxsie, and should come with Robert Smith's boots that she used to beat the crap out of him. Actually, a whole series of the different eras of Siouxsie would be preferred.
Batty: I second the Siouxsie auction figure and want to add a voice box to it with which she will call Robert Smith "Fat Bob" and a whole slew of other snarky insults that she fed to smarmy TV hosts and the like. We could also add her buddy Andi Sex Gang to the mix to narrate her adventures at the Batcave in a catty nasal voice
Carol Daeumer: In that case, I think there needs to be a Fat Bob doll too. How about Uncle Andy (Andrew Eldritch of The Sisters of Mercy), and it can be explicitly labeled "Not Goth At All."
Batty: I think a Uncle Andy doll should come with a neon-yellow T-shirt and aviator glasses and a bunch of whining phrases about how Wayne Hussy stole everything he knows from him. It could be a whole line of "Siouxsie and Fiends" dolls because "friends" isn't goth enough.
Toby Rider; I would buy a Siouxsie doll, an Uncle Andy doll, a Fat Bob doll, an Andi Sex Gang doll, and a Peter Murphy doll that you can pour a little water into his back, and fake smoke comes out of his cigarette.
Batty: I second the Peter Murphy doll too. It should also be able to strike yoga poses
Toby Rider: You can pull the string on his back and he says things like "Oh dear... I'm English you know." They could have several different Peter Murphy action figures, each wearing something different. The newest one spits roses. The oldest one is wearing a bondage harness.
Ugly Shyla: Goth points for Batty. She has her own action figure.
Batty: I have two of my own action figure dolls thanks to you Shyla! Although I wish mine talked and rambled off phrases about insane eBay buyers.
Ugly Shyla: I need to make voice boxes for the dolls of both of us and when you put them together they make mean comments and bitch about customers.
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