Which Other Musicians Should Start Tea Parties?
The continued persecution of Nelson, Willie for the smoking of weed in the name of being a laid-back national treasure has spawned the Teapot Party. Get it?
Rocks Off got to wondering who else will harness Willie's lightning.
R. Kelly: The Tea Cup Party
R. Kelly has spent the better part of the last decade defending himself against allegations of doing that thing with minors that you're not supposed to do with minors.
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The most famous, and famously parodied, accusation was a video that (allegedly) showed Kelly having sex and urinating on a 14-year-old girl.
Now, Kelly claimed the man in the video wasn't him, and was declared not guilty in 2008, but surely he could have boosted his career by becoming the out-and-proud spokesman of the golden shower enthusiasts.
Thus would have been born the Teacup Party... because they like to C-U-P.
Going to an ICP show is like going to Gallagher show without all that highbrow humor. The important correlation is the fact that you will get wet and messy. The two Josephs famously fling Faygo all over their fevered fans like they're trying to cast out evil spirits.
The thing is, that stuff ruins clothes and causes tumbles as people slip and slide on the slick floor. It's only a matter of time before a lawsuit is brought against the Detroit rappers for either injury or property damage done by the cheap cola. In response, ICP will start the Tea Towel party, arming their Juggalo army with official clown-faced towels and uniting them under the altruistic cause of mopping up spills wherever they may occur.
Morris Day: The Tea Time Party
So Morris Day is getting ready to leave the house one day, checking himself in the mirror Jerome holds for him to make sure he looks spiffy like he always does, when a revelation hits him. It occurs to Day that the thing that is truly dividing the country is not liberals versus conservatives, but is the fact that people aren't spending enough time making themselves look mack daddy.
He reasons that if everyone looks their best, we'll all be so busy trying to hook up there won't be time for fighting. After a quick call to Prince, reminding him of a certain videotape Day keeps in his vault and the Purple One really doesn't want the world to see, thousands of Jehovah's Witnesses add mirrors to their conversion kits to give the good people they speak to during their neighborhood canvasses a nice, long look at themselves before they venture out into the world.
Alice Cooper: The Tee Party
It's a pretty well-known fact that the only thing that really kept Alice Cooper from turning up dead in a bathtub after letting various fermented fluids gang-rape his liver is golf. The man is absolutely nuts for the sport, and plays whenever possible. He has also gone on record refusing to comment on politics through his rock-star persona, believing that politics has no place in rock and roll.
Maybe, but you can't tell us that politics has no place in golf. Rather than humorous speculation, Rocks Off firmly believes with all our hearts that celebrity golfers are part of a secret brotherhood that involves massive amounts of money being filtered into the coffers of both political parties in an effort to control the very soul of the United States. It's all coordinated through sentient golf carts and the Masons.
Do not doubt the existence of The Tee Party. It's out there.
Jef With One F is the author of The Bible Spelled Backwards Does Not Change the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.
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