[Ed. Note: Thanks to Craig Hlavaty for sparking this idea with his suggestion that Andy Rooney take over for Mr. Cowell.]
As most of you no doubt already know,American Idol
returns tonight, which means a return to watching overly processed people performing overly processed versions of overly processed songs. Well... that is, after we get through Rocks Off's favorite part ofAmerican Idol
: Simon Cowell ripping on crazy people. Except that's not going to happen after this season, because Cowell is leaving the show. Struggling to look for a reason to tune in, Rocks Off has come up with some possible replacements for Cowell who we'd actually watch, along with some examples of the helpful feedback they might give the contestants.
Andy Rooney: "You ever notice how much idols have changed over the years? Why, in my day, Joseph Schillinger was all the idol we needed, although I guess he wasn't American. But really, is anyone American? I mean, 'America' is just the name of some ancient mapmaker who had nothing to do with the discovery of our country. Maybe we should be the ones called 'Columbia'. You know, I really can't tell if Columbian coffee really is all that much better than American coffee..."
Gary Busey: "You better not be lookin' at me sideways, sport. I snuck a shiv in here and I don't wanna say how I did it, but if I stick it in your fuckin' jugular I guaran-goddamn-tee it'll get infected. Jesus told me to frag your ass if you keep hittin' them high notes, so you just watch your step, butthorn, because my brain is fulla wasps and I am razor-sharp today."
Jesse Ventura: "Okay, just stop right there. I'm on to you. Maybe everybody else likes to hide their heads in the sand, but my eyes are wide open. I know the Bilderberg group wrote the lyrics to 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' to bury subliminal messages in the subtext and slip their Zionist reptilian homosexual alien agenda directly into my brainular cortex. Well I drank a half-gallon of paint thinner this morning, which I happen to know is your natural weakness, so go ahead and give it your best shot if you feel lucky, you New World Order-loving Bolshevik bastard!"
Christopher Walken: "I feel you've ignored the finest part of your craft, which is internalization of the meaning behind the song itself, really putting your heart and soul into - what? No, that was just a character. I actually don't particularly care for the cowbell, as an instrument. As a measurement of the proximity of cattle, sure, but that's neither here nor there. Ah, let's just move on."
Janice Dickinson: "Well first of all, I feel like you're trying to overshadow me, and I don't fucking appreciate it. No, you listen to me. YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT. I MAY BE OLD, BUT I GOT WHERE I AM TODAY ON MY FUCKING OWN AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO I'VE GOT BAD FUCKING NEWS FOR YOU! AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
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Fred Phelps: "You's a queer, ain'tcha, boy? Betcha are. With your wispy, ruffle-able hair and those skinny little abs you just wanna run your fingers across. You better stay away from me, homo. I swear to God, one more queer tries to sex me, I'm gonna sodomize him 'til the cows come home. We'll see who's queer then, won't we? Bet your juicy ass we will."
Tom Waits: "Good God, so this is what you people call music, huh? Okay, we're gonna fix this. Randy, pick up that accordion. I've got a pipe organ out in the truck, have an intern go fetch it. You, the new girl, take this soup ladel and this corrugated aluminum trash can and bang 'em together in three-quarter time. Fetch me three dusky women from the line outside, we gotta have dancers for atmosphere. All right, this is an old Gypsy battle chant, it's in the key of D minor, half-step tempo change at the bridge, and don't be afraid to improvise. We're gonna make this work."