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10 Sequels That Don't Need To Happen

Please god, no...
Please god, no...

For those who've been pining for the return of the "Blue Steel" and the "Magnum," your patience is about to be rewarded:

Ben Stiller is dead in the middle of promoting "Little Fockers," out Dec. 22, but he's already got his eye on yet another sequel: "Zoolander 2."

Stiller and "Fockers" cohort Owen Wilson both confirmed that the comedy is preparing for "go," with Stiller noting that a script has been prepared.. [...] "I just saw him now and we're talking about doing another Zoolander movie," Wilson said as the two actors passed in the hall during the "Fockers" press conference. While he didn't get into how much of a role he'd play in the next film, he said "I think there's a really good script and I think we're going to do it."

When asked if Will Ferrell will be reprising his role as Mugatu, Stiller said, "Hopefully."

Much has changed since Zoolander was released in 2001: Stiller's branched out more into "serious" film (though he still graces us with new Madagascar or Fockers movie every few years), Wilson famously hit the skids in 2007, and Ferrell has gone on to minor success in smaller art house productions.

Seriously, has anyone really been psyched for this? Have we not seen enough of Stiller as an egomaniacal pinhead (Dodgeball, Tropic Thunder) or Ferrell as a bellowing lummox (Old School, Anchorman, Blades of Glory) in the past nine years? Are Stiller, Ferrell, Judd Apatow or Adam Sandler the only people allowed to make comedies these days? Most importantly, are there any sequels less anticipated than a second Zoolander?

Funny you should ask.

This isn't to say *all* sequels are unholy affronts to cinema, only most of them. Plenty of people are probably looking forward to The Dark Knight Rises and the next Bond film, for example. But the fact remains, sequels are usually lazy, relying on familiarity and falling back on audiences willing to forgive revisiting the same characters and plotlines ad nauseum. I don't hold out much hope that the following franchises will come to an end, but -- as Hans Gruber once said -- "It's Christmas, Theo...it's the time for miracles."

Die Hard 5 -- Speaking of Hans, the original Die Hard is still far and away the best. The second and third had their moments, but you started seeing increasing indications of John McClane as cartoonish superman that took over in Live Free Or Die Hard. A movie which -- in order to secure a coveted PG-13 rating -- turned our favorite f-bomb dropping flatfoot into a kid-friendly shadow of his former profane self. Yippee ki-ay, motherfather.

Indiana Jones 5 -- Like yours truly, those 80s franchises haven't aged particularly well, and the Indiana Jones sequels are even more uneven than most. Temple of Doom was a humorless slog, Last Crusade a mere rehash of the original, and Crystal Skull an occasionally interesting story ruined by gratuitous Shia LaBeouf and horrible CGI, even by George Lucas' horrendous standards. Maybe if we're lucky, it'll take another 17 years to make the next one.

Sex and the City 3 -- Nothing inspires a country struggling with years of economic hardship and unemployment like another chapter in the lives of a quartet of aging hags looking to give meaning to their shallow, materialistic existence. Will Carrie's marriage to millionaire Big last? Can Miranda juggle motherhood with her high-powered legal career? Can Samantha continue to screw everything with a pulse without contracting a fatal disease? Who gives a shit?

 

The Pink Panther 3 -- I used to get angry at Steve Martin for his obvious nonchalance concerning the movies he makes, until I realized the guy obviously doesn't give a shit. No one serious about making movies would star in two Cheaper by the Dozen, two Father of the Bride, and two Pink Panter flicks, all remakes of actual comedies. You know, the kind of movies Martin used to make.

Transformers 4 -- The third one is happening, even without the only part of the first two movies that made them worth watching to guys not entranced by gratuitous robot wankery. And let's all be honest, these Michael Bay atrocities are themselves inferior sequels to the 1986 epic.

Fockers 4 -- Ben Stiller has built admirably upon his membership in the Lucky Sperm Club, but what's De Niro's excuse? He phones it in so much he makes Steve Martin look like Christian Bale. But really, who among us can't wait for another dozen jokes about how "Focker" sounds like "fucker?"

Avatar 2 -- As visually arresting as the first movie was, what's the point? Cameron doesn't feel like he's gotten his money's worth out of those Fusion cameras? Or maybe he wants to rip off another eco-friendly Kevin Costner movie. Hey, does Pandora have oceans?

 

Spider-Man 4/Superman 2 -- So they're going to "reboot" both franchises, using entirely new actors, and spend hundreds of millions of dollars to retell both characters' origins stories, which everybody not living in North Korea already know by heart? It's a wonder Hollywood hasn't needed a government bailout yet.

But even I have to admit the airplane scene was pretty badass.

Alien 5/Predator 4/Alien vs. Predator 3 -- Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty sure we've taken this idea about as far as possible. Then again, I never forgave them for getting us to care about Newt and Hicks in Aliens only to kill them off during the opening credits of Alien 3. If they must film another one, at least make it nothing more than Paul Reiser getting repeatedly torn apart by xenomorphs.

Goonies 2 -- I sometimes think I'm the only person who grew up in the 1980s who hates this goddamned movie. Unfortunately, my desire to keep it buried in that decade may come to naught, as no less than director Richard Donner and noted hobbit Sean Astin say it's going to happen. They better hurry: Josh Brolin makes real movies now, and Chunk isn't so chunky. And I'm pretty sure Corey Feldman needs the money.


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