Public schools in Washington D.C. are going to start administering a new standardized test to elementary, middle school and high school students. And this one's all about sex.
It's the first of its kind in the U.S., but it probably won't be the last. Should such a test ever make its way to Texas -- notoriously bad at teaching anything but abstinence -- we recommend that students come armed with plenty of rubbers. (Erasers, not condoms, of course. This is Texas.) Can you imagine what kinds of answers students would bubble into Scantrons here? We can. You may now turn to page one of your blue book:
1. Please check one. HIV stands for:
a) Human Immunodeficiency Virus b) Homosexual Infectious Vengeance
2. I have some questions about sex. I should: a) Research on the Internet b) Check out books from the library c) Keep quiet and observe my farm animals doing it d) Move to another state
3. Please check one. STI stands for: a) Something To Ignore b) Sexually Transmitted Infection
4. Joel is a good Christian, but he had unprotected sex once. Though he doesn't have any STI symptoms, he gets tested anyway. The test reveals that Joel has Chlamydia. Pick two rational reactions to this news: a) This is extremely common, as many men are asymptomatic for STIs b) Joel shouldn't be worried. Chlamydia can be cured with an antibiotic c) Joel is a good Christian, so the test must be wrong d) Joel is going to die, and then swiftly enter Hell
5. Yeast infections can result from: a) Stress b) Medications c) Not using enough lubricant during sex d) Texas toast eaten past its expiration date e) All but d
a) She gives Dick a hug b) She tells Dick it's okay to be gay c) Dick cries about how hard it will be to tell his parents, and his tears run down Chastity's arme) All of the above
f) None of the above
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7. Girls, if you have premarital sex: a) No one will want you b) You'll have to get an abortion, which will render you infertile c) You'll die d) You should use protection and enjoy yourself e) All but d
8. Condoms: a) Fail 80 percent of the time at preventing pregnancy b) Fail 90 percent of the time at preventing STIs c) Are the devil's spadetail umbrella d) All of the above e) None of the above
9. Gay and lesbian sex: a) Is normal sexual behavior b) Is shameful, and illegal, in Texas c) Can be just as safe or safer than the way heterosexuals have sex d) Is probably none of your business anyway e) All but b
10. If you have sex before marriage, the first thing you should do is: a) Get a morning-after pill for you or your partner b) Get a pack of condoms for next time c) Get tested d) Get married