Sitting in traffic, particularly during morning rush hour, life feels tedious. Your mind wanders. Your faith in humanity wanes. You glance around at your fellow drivers hoping for a glimmer of hope in what feels like a cruel, unforgiving world. Then you see it, out of the corner of your eye. It's a license plate from another state or a bumper sticker from your alma mater. Your interest has been piqued. For one, albeit brief, moment, your attention is focused and you don't feel alone in the universe.
Unfortunately, you start moving again -- crawling really -- and you spy something you hate, something that evokes a visceral response. You drive angry. You don't let people merge. Your day has nearly been ruined by this jackass who so wantonly displays the source of your rage. You're glad you don't have a gun.
First, you might want to look into your road rage problem because, well, damn. But, we don't disagree that plenty of Houston drivers exercise poor judgement when decorating their cars with all manner of adornments. Instead of a murderous rampage a la Michael Douglas in Falling Down though, cowboy, we put pen to paper (or keyboard to pixel) and came up with a list of what vexes us so on area vehicles.
10. Jesus Fish (and anti-Jesus Darwin Fish)
We get it. You want to let people know you love the Lord or hate those who love Him, depending on your choice. But, does God really belong on a bumper sticker or shiny plastic fish decal? I can respect a giant Catholic Mary decal covering an entire back window, even those goofy "COEXIST" hippie stickers on the bumper of electric cars driving around the Montrose. But those little silver fish just remind me I need to get more Omega-3 in my diet. They aren't converting anyone to anything.
13.1 and 26.2 stickers on your car are just as unnecessary as your stick figure family.
— Brown Bear (@thekingaladdin) September 10, 2014
9. Stick Figure Family Stickers
Maybe if you were the Duggars and your whole damn windshield was filled with these little white bastards, I could see it. But, when it is you, your wife, your two kids, the dog and a ferret or whatever you pick, it feels more like a good way to case your family for a potential burglary than a cute way to honor your loved ones. And, no, getting the Star Wars version, while clever, is no better. If it weren't for the fact that little Dakota probably needs the self esteem boost, I might throw the ballet, volleyball, honor roll stickers on here too, but if she is going to join the most self entitled generation in the last 100 years, better start her early.
8. Wheel Spikes
Who do you think you are, a villain from Speed Racer? Are you auditioning for a new sequel to Mad Max? Are you participating in a live action version of Grand Theft Auto? When I see spikes sticking out of your wheels, my first thought is you don't really get the laws of physics if you think those are more dangerous to other cars than they are to yours. Chances are, if they get close enough to my car, we'll both be in trouble. I'm a fan of some sweet looking rims, but these are as distracting as they are ineffective. Want real protection? Install some James Bond-style flame throwers in your grill or those pipes that splatter oil all over the road in your trunk.
Just saw a guy driving a maroon hummer with a Texas Secede bumper sticker. Sir, I salute you. #Texas
— Jack Lempke (@JackLempke57) August 18, 2012
7. Texas A&M Paint Jobs
I would love to make fun of all the various college grads who want their cars to match their school spirit, but burnt orange trucks aren't running rampant and standard colors like blue and red don't demonstrate the kind of commitment it takes to request a maroon paint job for your Hummer. A TAMU sticker would suffice. Must you get Maaco involved?
6. Giant Spoilers on Sub Compacts
There is nothing more silly looking than a racing spoiler affixed to the trunk of a Kia Rio. You aren't fooling anyone, honcho. The aerodynamics of your Honda Fit aren't going to improve with a massive hunk of plastic attached to the back. You aren't going to win any pink slips simply because you stuck a race car accessory on your Nissan Versa. You want to get the custom spoiler for your Ferrari, by all means, but leave it off the Yaris.
I hope you know those 100-Club stickers aren't going to get you out of a ticket or excuse you from driving like a fucking asshole. Thanx.
— Zombie Turtle (@TurtleSammich) February 8, 2012
5. Stacks of 100 Club Decals
As admirable as I feel it is to contribute to law enforcement causes, if you think a bunch of stacked 100 Club stickers demonstrating the decade long contributions to cops is going to get you out of a speeding ticket, you are mistaken. As the officer is handing you the ticket, he might say, "Hey, thanks for that $10 donation you made!" but your chances he will see those decals and think, "I can't pull this guy over...he's a patron!" are slim to none.
Don't laugh but the MRAA (marathon runner's association of America) revoked my membership bc I didn't put a 26.2 bumper sticker on my car
— Teddy O'Neill (@toneill92) September 8, 2014
4. Marathon Distance Stickers
OK, great, we got it. You ran a marathon. Whoopie doo! Do you really need to announce it with a black and white oval sticker on your car? Besides, you didn't win the race. You just finished. That sticker is the equivalent of a participation ribbon in youth league soccer. It is not doing you any favors, running man.
Tapout sticker that covers 80% of the back window of your Camry? You must kick so many asses
— Kyle Southern (@Ksouthern8) March 1, 2014
3. TAPOUT Stickers
Little known fact: If you squint and look really closely at these giant decals covering the back of oversized truck windows, like those Magic Eye paintings, you can see it actually spells out "DOUCHE." As UrbanDictionary defines the TAPOUT clothing style, "The main purpose of wearing Tapout Clothing is to distinguish 'Douche Bags and Bros' from the normal populous."
2. Cars Covered in Political Stickers
Having a sticker or two for your party or candidate is one thing, but when the back of your Volkswagen van is covered in stickers dating back four election cycles, you might want to put the bong down and consider a paint job. Whenever the back of a car is covered in statement stickers for either side of the political spectrum, it says more about the mental stability of the driver than their ideology.
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1. Truck Nuts
Seriously? You're still putting these on your trailer hitch? Two words: Please stop!