Houston Astros 2013 spring training season kicked into high gear this week in Kissimmee, Florida, and fans are ready to see how the team fares in their new American League digs, which more likely than not means copious losses, beer bottles broken over televisions and the testicular fortitude of a snake-charmer to get through nine innings of a game without eating your new hat in frustration.
But hey, it's still the Astros, and we're unrepentant homers who love them whether or not we can name more than three players. Is Jose Altuve still on our team? He is? Cool. I like him because I remembered his name and he is a little person.
This week my thoughts turned once again to the Astros' baseball card legacy. Because I was a shut-in as a child and growing up, my baseball card collection was my best friend, kinda like how porn was when I was in my early 20s.
I found plenty more awful Astros baseball cards to make us laugh for 2013. May I never ever run out of Tony Scott cards to giggle at.
15. Curt Schilling isn't trying to look cool, he's covering up hickies he got from a slutty chick he picked up at the Shoney's near the Astrodome the night before this photo shoot.
14. The best achievement ever is when your eyebrows and mustache can reach a sort of cosmic equality on your face. If you don't believe in intelligent design after seeing this picture of Dave Meads, you should burn in hell.
13. "Not bringing a full sack of chaw to the game? That's a paddling. Forget your jock strap? That's a paddling."
12. "Today during interviews with reporters in Cincinnati, Astros player Jose Cruz stared off into the middle distance for five minutes during a press conference, bewildering local reporters, before biting off the foam from the top of a nearby microphone."
11. No, friends, Tony Scott isn't trying to run out a swift line drive to third base, he's about to attack the opposing pitcher for making fun of his sideburns.
10. Claude Raymond fancied himself the Canadian bad boy on the 1967 Astros squad, but being photographed for two straight years with his zipper down in his baseball card photos kinda screwed up his image.
9. Fun fact: Topps had to airbrush the naked biker chick and pot leaf off of Dave Adlesh's hat before this card went to print.
8. Jeff "Shane MacGowan" Bagwell is seen here at Astros spring training thinking about using Sun-In on his mullet. Spoiler alert: He did, and it looked fantastic.
5. Kevin Bass tried unsuccessfully for three years to get Astros owner John McMullen to front him the start-up money to roll out his own line of Kevin Bass's Basstache Wax.
4. Scooter Tucker just farted.
3. Derrell's pompadour was so thick and well-maintained, he didn't even have to wear a batting helmet.
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2. Jeff tried to not let the other guys see him crying every time he was tagged out at second during double-plays, but sometimes Craig Biggio would see and pat him on the ass just a little lighter when he came back to the dugout.
1. Mark lost a bet while still in the minors and had to legally change his name to his favorite dessert.