2010 Houston Texans Mad Libs
I'm busy, you're busy, we're all busy.
The Texans'34-24 loss to the Eagles is the game that has pushed me over the edge. On a night when the Texans won literally every statistical category (save the turnover battle, which was a 2-1 Eagle win on the strength of Matt Schaub's fate-sealing fumble in the last two minutes), I realized there's no longer a need for me to crank out 1,500 words to recap what happened the day before, because it's the same damn thing every time.
So in order to save all of us some time, I submit to you my version of 2010 Houston Texans Mad Libs. Consider this my "day after" post for the rest of the season. Just fill in accordingly after the remainder of the games:
(opposing quarterback) threw for (number greater than 300) yards and accounted for (number greater than four) touchdowns, as the (opposing team) notched a (score) victory over the Houston Texans on Sunday.
(opposing team) led by two touchdowns in the first half before the Texans furiously fought all the way back, before blowing the game in the fourth quarter in soul crushing fashion.
(opposing quarterback) looked like the love child of Johnny Unitas and Joe Montana, completing (number) of (number) passes for (a shitload of) touchdowns.
"This young man is playing as good as anybody I've seen play in the NFL and I've been doing it for a while," Texans coach Gary Kubiak said of (opposing quarterback) . "He's special and we just tried to contain him, but obviously he still had a big night. He's been doing it against a lot of people so. ... We had a couple of chances for turnovers. He gave us a couple of opportunities that we just didn't take advantage of."
After the Texans took their first lead in the third quarter, the (opposing team) quickly answered, driving (number greater than 80) yards on their next possession, capped by a touchdown to (some player who has likely never scored a touchdown before) .
A (number) -yard pass to (some scrub having a career day against the Texans) on third-and- (one less than previous number) kept that drive going.
"They are a good team and this is a tough place to play," Schaub said of the (the opposing team) . "We had a good plan, we kept fighting back. It just wasn't enough in crunch time to do it."
GARY KUBIAK POST-GAME PRESS CONFERENCE
On the team's defensive play: "Well, it wasn't good enough. We got beat. Like I said, our objective was to try and be sound and keep (opposing quarterback) in the pocket, make him beat us from the pocket. (opposing quarterback) playing well. It doesn't matter if he's moving or in the pocket, he's doing a hell of a job. When you get beat, nothing is good enough. So it didn't work out."
On whatever play is considered the "backbreaker": "It should never happen. We were in (failed coverage scheme) . Bottom line right there, is we were just trying to get off the field, make them kick a field goal so a touchdown wins the game for you. I think the issue was time; (opposing quarterback) had too much time to throw. We didn't hold up in coverage long enough. In this league, you get third-and- (distance) , you should be off the field 90 to 95 percent of the time. You obviously can't give up a play right there."
On the most disappointing part of the game: "Just that we couldn't finish the deal. We went into (opposing stadium) against what I think is a hell of a football team and we had control of the game going into the fourth quarter and then let it get away from us. That's part of this league. You get into those games, you've got to find a way to close and we found a way not to close in all three phases."
On trying to get off to better starts: "Let's be realistic. Let's look at last night. Why did we get off to a bad start? We gave up a (number greater than 80) -yard drive and a (number greater than 80) drive in the first two drives of the game and we ran seven plays and kicked a field goal, so we played poorly on defense in the first quarter. We had the wind at our back and we dug ourselves a big hole and we fought our way out of it. And then we got a little lucky, actually, when we cut the game to (score) and (player) gave up a (turnover) , we were probably very fortunate to be in a (number) -point game at halftime."
Summary: "You know, (media member) , we just got to go back and look at the film, these kids are gonna fight, they're gonna battle, they're gonna battlefight. It's incumbent on me and (Frank Bush) to get better as coaches. It's on me, (media member) . Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.