2015 Fantasy Crime League: Buffalo Bills Coach Arrested For Assaulting Neighbor's Son
If you are a previously anonymous assistant coach for a mediocre NFL team, the day that your name becomes commonly known for something is probably not a great day for you. Chances are, your newfound fame is not due to entirely flattering reasons.
Think about it — of the coordinators whose name the average fan knows, like 20 percent of them are known because of how awesome they are at coordinating, and the other 80 percent are known because fans curse their incompetence. For position coaches, that ratio is probably even more skewed, something like 5 percent and 95 percent. My point is that, by and large, NFL assistant coaches are like referees or umpires — if you know their names, it probably means they are fucking up in some way.
And fairly soon, if they create an award for this NFL assistant coaching phenomenon, they can name it after Aaron Kromer. Do you know Aaron Kromer's name? Perhaps you do, and if so, you're likely proving the "infamy" theory I've espoused above.
If you're a Chicago Bears fan, you definitely know who Aaron Kromer is. He was the offensive coordinator in Chicago the past two seasons, and in his two years with the club he was probably best known for being NFL.com reporter Ian Rapoport's "source" inside the Bears' locker room last season for a story Rapoport broke about unrest and "buyer's remorse" over quarterback Jay Cutler's contract extension. Eventually, Kromer apologized to the Bears' players and Cutler specifically. Cutler, though, reportedly just shook his head in disgust (but to be fair to Kromer, Cutler pretty much does that involuntarily every 90 seconds of every day). The damage was done. Eventually, Kromer would be shown the door with head coach Marc Trestman and the rest of the coaching staff.
Slightly miraculously, Kromer found another job almost immediately when Rex Ryan hired him to coach the Buffalo Bills' offensive line. Ryan's bravado and hiring practices since taking over the Bills have come under some scrutiny — trading for LeSean McCoy, signing Richie Incognito and Percy Harvin — and after a story that broke Sunday morning about Kromer's arrest on assault charges, that scrutiny will not get dialed back anytime soon.
From the Facebook page of Walton County (FL) Sheriff, Michael Adkinson, Jr.'s, here is Kromer's story (and mugshot!):
From the Twitter feed of Mike Rodak, who covers the Bills for ESPN.com, here is the arrest report:
Bills OL coach Aaron Kromer was arrested in Walton County, FL this morning on a battery charge per public jail record pic.twitter.com/femyYaJgnk— Mike Rodak (@mikerodak) July 12, 2015
The Bills, again from Rodak's Twitter feed, have not yet commented (although there is at least a 20 percent chance, given how Ryan's run the Bills so far, that Ryan may end up promoting Rodak to offensive coordinator over this):
Bills statement on Aaron Kromer arrest: “We are aware of the report and in the process of gathering the facts."— Mike Rodak (@mikerodak) July 12, 2015
Call me crazy, but between his loose lips with the media, penchant for backstabbing his own players, and now his sociopathic separation anxiety over beach chairs, Kromer appears to be veering toward the "more trouble than he's worth" category of employee. At this rate, by my calculations, the Bills' offensive line would have to allow less than ten sacks and average over six yards a carry on the ground for Kromer's bitch-made malfeasance to be considered tolerable. (We call these estimations "Sean-alytics".)
For now, Kromer can take pride in the fact that a) he has Buffalo on the board for the offseason Fantasy Crime League and b) he is the first assistant coach to get his name on the board this season.
Two weeks left in the offseason! Step up, boys! GET TO CRIME-ING!!
FANTASY CRIME LEAGUE STANDINGS
DETROIT LIONS .. 10 points
* 4/17/15: Lions OL Rodney Austin is arrested for assault on a female, assault on a child under 12, interference with emergency communications, and misdemeanor larceny (assuming three felonies and one misdemeanor here)
GREEN BAY PACKERS .. 7 points
* 2/3/15: Packers DT Letroy Guion is arrested for felony possession of marijuana and felony possession of a firearm.
* 7/4/15: Packers TE Andrew Quarless is arrested for firing his gun twice in public (misdemeanor).
BALTIMORE RAVENS .. 6 points
* 3/1/15: Ravens DB Victor Hampton is arrested for DWI.
* 3/18/15: Ravens RB Bernard Pierce is arrested for DUI.
ATLANTA FALCONS .. 3 points
* 5/29/15: Falcons LB Prince Shembo is arrested for felony animal cruelty.
BUFFALO BILLS .. 3 points
* 7/12/15: Bills offensive line coach Aaron Kromer is arrested for battery with intent to cause injury.
CHICAGO BEARS .. 3 points
* 5/25/15: Bears DL Ray McDonald reportedly is arrested on charges of domestic violence.
DENVER BRONCOS .. 3 points
* 6/3/15: Broncos administrative employee John Bowlen is arrested on domestic violence charges.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ers .. 3 points
* 3/5/15: 49ers FB Bruce Miller is arrested for spousal battery.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS ... 2 points
* 2/3/15: Colts LB D'Qwell Jackson is arrested for assault.
* 2/5/15: Colts RB Ahmad Bradshaw is charged with marijuana possession.
HOUSTON TEXANS .. 1 point
* 7/1/15: Texans DL Brandon Ivory is arrested for first-degree burglary.
DALLAS COWBOYS ... 1 point
* 2/3/15: Cowboys RB Joseph Randle is cited for marijuana (unclear if it's a misdemeanor or just a citation, so FCL scoring is pending)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS .. 1 point
* 3/29/15: Saints CB Brian Dixon is arrested for resisting arrest without violence.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanTPendergast.
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