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25 Signs That You Aren't From Houston

Earlier this week Arturo Valdes was pulled over for speeding down the West Loop feeder road in the City of Bellaire. After finding "irregularities" with his registration (probably something other than a Bellaire or West U address), Bellaire cops called in a drug dog. The K-9 alerted to the 46-year-old Laredo man's gas tank, in which cops eventually found 230 pounds of pot.

Arturo Valdes, you are clearly not from around here. Had you been from Houston, you would have not expected to safely speed while brown through the city of Bellaire with a king's ransom in weed in your truck.

The Hair Balls staff has come up with 25 more tell-tale signs that someone is not from around here:

25. You arrive here in winter and start whining about the heat in early May. You think Labor Day marks the end of summer.

Don't believe the hype
Don't believe the hype

24. You expect UH (and even Rice!) football to get the same coverage as UT or A&M.

23. You think you're going to see something spectacular at Space Center Houston.

22. You show up at the Tall Texan (or the Marquis II or the Next Door) on an empty stomach.

21. You go to Marfreless alone. (On second thought, that might mean you are a serial killer.)

20. You belly up to the bar at Griff's and loudly proclaim your admiration for the "scrappiness" of John Stockton.   19. You think you will learn all about marine wildlife at the downtown aquarium. You think you and your family will get out of there for less than $150.

It gets better, in terms of Tex-Mex
It gets better, in terms of Tex-Mex

18. You assume the Light Rail has terminals at either of our airports.

17. You tell a native you found the best breakfast taco in town at a little place called Taco Cabana.

16. You tell a native you found the best barbecue in town at Luling City Market on Richmond. You claim it's "the real deal."

15. You try to get a leisurely after-work drink at one of the "cantinas" on Telephone Road.

 

Ixnay on the almartway praise in the Heights
Ixnay on the almartway praise in the Heights

14. You plan a relaxing weekend on the pristine beaches of Galveston.

13. You think the lights from the refineries in Pasadena at night are another skyscraper-ridden but eerily quiet section of the city, like Greenspoint.

12. You talk about how rad Dallas is.

11. You walk into Onion Creek and tell everybody that you can't wait until that convenient new Walmart goes up across the way.

10. You buy an Antone's Po' Boy at Kroger. And then you eat it. And then you swear off the Antone's po' boys from the storefronts.

9. You floss your new Rebel flag vanity plate in McGregor Park on TSU's homecoming weekend.

8. You sport a "Remember the Alamo" souvenir t-shirt at Emiliano's Sports Bar on McCarty Street.

7. You speed down the back ends of the Shepherd / Durham overpasses

6. You think the West Loop will be a snap at any time of day   5. You get caught near Lakewood on a Sunday morning, or a Wednesday night.

mmpgate.JPG
Abandon hope, all ye that enter here
4. You speed down Bellaire Boulevard through the city of Southside Place.

3. You try to convince a bunch of drunk Texans fans on Battle Red Day that it's okay to like the Cowboys because they are "Texas's other team."

2. You stride through the portals of Minute Maid Park with expectations of a win for the old home team.

1. You have unprotected sex with someone you met at 1 a.m. on the 82-Westheimer bus.

We are sure you can think of many more...


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