Some businesses are jerks for pimping a junk heap on wheels on Memorial Day. Others are silly for trying to sell sexual innuendo-heavy mattresses ("firm," "spread out," "not squishy") on a day that's supposed to be all about giving it up to American servicemen and women.
Then there are these super-jerk stinkbombs that a handful of companies have lobbed at the TV-viewing crowd on Memorial Day.
5. Winnebago and the American Soldier
Here's the "let's place the token American soldier next to the Winnebago" advertisement, courtesy of Great Alaskan Holidays in Anchorage. You know what will really get 'em to bum-rush the door? Have our brave American hero talking to a civilian while the two stand next to a faux roaring fire in a wicker basket.
4. Pepsi v. Coke
A rotund guy steps on a tube of sunscreen. White cream squirts out and nails a beefcake on his bare, shaved chest. Fat dude then collapses a little girl's sandcastle. Little girl whacks guy across the calf with a plastic implement. Flabio lingers over his shoulder a little too long. The bloke does this all to pledge his Memorial Day allegiance to Pepsi in a creep-tastic ad from a while back. By the way, the only taste test that interests us is removing the sickening flavor that this commercial left behind in our mouths. 3. Anniston, Alabama, Concert Bash
We're sure that Ricko, a.k.a. #1 Draft Pick, PBF and Afeez are fine musicians in the hip-hop realm. However, even if John Coltrane came back from the dead to perform a special show on Memorial Day -- pretty much our only day off between New Year's and Independence Day -- you'd have to physically remove us from our lying-in-our-filth stupor to deal with the nonsense associated with a live gig. Not even a FREE "IPOD NANO" -- the tease happens near the ad's end -- would coax us. We have a hunch that friends and acquaintances of the performers feel the same way as we do. (Sorry, fellas.)
2. Crazy Charlie's Used Cars
Yes, this is a spoof on the orgy-like stream of mattress and automobile commercials. But this ad for a fictitious used-car dealership is never funny. For instance, "This 2009 Toyota Corolla, fully loaded, a great gift for your only son should he return from Iraq in one piece" = not funny. "A 2008 Dodge Caravan, perfect for loading up the kids and taking them to visit their father's grave site" = really never funny.
1. Slash + Guitar Center
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Oh my gawd!!! It's a giant Slash -- like the normal-sized one wasn't lame enough -- noodling through a guitar solo not unlike those played by Guitar Center customers, all in the name of Guitar Center's insane Memorial Day deals. Perhaps we should credit the Walgreens of musical instrument shops for not even trying to disguise the plug for the Guns N' Roses guitarist's solo album.