7 Reasons Transformers 3 Made Me Want to Kill Myself
Yes, I try and keep it sports-related in this space as much as I possibly can. That's what I've been asked to bring to the table on Hair Balls and that's where my area of expertise lies. However, sometimes there is confluence of circumstance so powerful that I must stray from sports and share my thoughts on an outside topic.
So if I happen to see a steaming pile of mind-numbing crap like the new Transformers movie during a week where the MLB All Star Game and two lockouts of our other major professional sports coincide, then I will give you my review of said movie.
Here it is:
It sucked. Badly.
In fact, if you were to put an NBA Draft style scouting report for Transformers 3 together, it would look something like this:
1. Special effects in 3-D 2. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass
Where to begin....okay, how about these seven?
7. I guess we're all supposed to be happy at the end of this movie that eventually, like in the first two editions of the franchise, the babyface Autobots beat out the heel Decepticons and took back control of planet Earth. There's one big problem -- the entire city of Chicago is burned to the ground. The third-largest city in the country is reduced to rubble. Kinda takes some of the steam out of the Autobots' rousing win. By my estimation, the only people happy about the end of the movie are Green Bay Packer fans and St. Louis Cardinal fans.
6. Whenever the movie takes place (this year, next year, whenever), apparently we have advanced to live in a world where, despite the entire city being plundered in explosions and fire and dust, cars don't get a single scuff or mark on them. Bad era to own a Bubbles Car Wash.
5. Along those same lines, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, or as I like to call her, "Not Megan Fox," manages to run around the city of Chicago in the middle of 9/11-like conditions and look the entire time like she just stepped off the cover of a Limited catalog. Lipstick in place? Check. White top unmarked? Check. Amazing. 4. In addition to scuff-proof cars and smear-proof makeup, apparently the movie takes place in an era with pierce-proof skin. In one scene, all of the characters literally slide hundreds of feet over shards of glass while windows are exploding and raining glass down on them, before landing on beds of, you guessed it, GLASS. And, shockingly, none of them has to so much as pick a shard of glass from their arm or leg.
3. The producers of the movie thought that they could somehow pit Shia LaBeouf against Patrick Dempsey as the good guy versus the bad guy and get me to root for something other than "Sears Tower falls over and violently crushes both." You were so wrong, producers.
2. Notice all of my issues with the movie have nothing to do with the premise of talking robots that turn into cars. I'm actually fine with the fantasy of these beings existing. I realize movies require some suspension of disbelief. I do think it's funny that Sam (Shia) picked the one robot as his best friend who (a) speaks in sound bites through his car radio, (b) is the most socially awkward of all of the robots, and (c) is named Bumblebee. Like when Daniel Larusso has a chance to choose any car on Mr. Myagi's driveway and picks the bright yellow one. What is it about skinny, wormy protagonists who miraculously pull hot ass and their fetish with yellow cars?
1. TWO HOURS AND FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. Enough said.
My Pendergast Final Score: -23 out of five stars
Listen to Sean Pendergast on Sporting News Radio (Sirius 94 and XM 208) and 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. CST weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- HBU Says the Feds Are Forcing It to Sin (and These Uber-Conservative Judges Agree)
Thu., Oct. 8, 8:00pm
Fri., Oct. 9, 12:00am
Sun., Oct. 11, 12:00am
Mon., Oct. 12, 12:00am
- KHOU vs. DISH Contract Standoff Still Isn't Over
- College and NFL Football: This Weekend's Best Bets