9 National Flag Bikinis and How They Embody Their National Anthems
Today brings to a close our extensive Summer Flag-Bikini Research Project (SFBRP for short). We've looked at American-flag bikinis, Confederate-flag bikinis and Texas-flag bikinis; today we look at flag bikinis from around the globe.
The international swimsuits and their models don't just show off pride in country, they embody the lyrics in the relevant national anthems.
9. Canada Why it works/doesn't work: The maple-leaf placement, of course. Should be pasties, but nevertheless sends a nice bold "Look Here!" message. Probably nipple-reinforced for cold weather. Relevant anthem lyric: "With glowing hearts we see thee rise." And you can probably figure out what "thee" is code for.
8. Australia Why it works/doesn't work: The top's a jumble, but the star shines a directional light to a sweet manger of Christmas cheer, and there's probably no virgins allowed.
Sadly we must report, however, that Australian-flag bikini star placement is woefully inconsistent:
Make up yer minds, mates! Relevant anthem lyric: "Our land abounds in nature's gifts / Of beauty rich and rare." Unfortunately, the anthem contains no "Down Under' references.
7. France Why it works/doesn't work: It doesn't, really. Not that you care. Relevant anthem lyric: "The avenging sword unsheath." Although you don't want to be like Randy Newman in "A Wedding in Cherokee County":
I will make dim the light
I will attempt to spend my love within her
But though I try with all my might
She will laugh at my mighty sword
She will laugh at my mighty sword
Why must everybody laugh at my mighty sword?
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Why it works/doesn't work: Ummm, the symbolic peaceful white between the Catholic green and the Protestant orange is not quite as pasty as this woman's skin? SPV 5,600: Available in all finer Irish drugstores.
Relevant anthem lyric: "Tonight we man the bhearna bhaoil." "Bhearna bhaoil" means "gap of danger," and manning any crevices, gaps or slits here requires at least some heavy-duty shades.
Why it works/doesn't work: X marks the spot. You wish you were here.
Relevant anthem lyric: "When will we see your like again / That fought and died for / Your wee bit hill and glen." We think "Your wee bit hill and glen" is a superb euphemism for the most sought-after female body parts.
Why it works/doesn't work: The yellow stars are a little too aggressive in directing attention, and they pretty much look like they should have a crazy low price on them.
Relevant anthem lyric: "Let our flesh and blood forge our new Great Wall!" Caution: May cause your flesh and blood to forge something else. Something more like a battering ram for any Great Walls.
Why it works/doesn't work: Once again, X marks the spot
Relevant anthem lyric: "Give us vision lest we perish." What good are X-spot markers if you can't see them?
Why it works/doesn't work: Works just fine. Although the one in the middle looks like the bottom could be crotchless.
Relevant anthem lyric: "Mexicans...make ready the steel and the bridle." We guess they like a little kink in their action south of the border.