A Right Wing Take on the Walter's War
Editor's note: John Galt, Houston's favorite right-wing hipster, contacted music editor John Nova Lomax demanding to be given equal time in the debate over the Walter's on Washington War. HouStoned, being a fair and balanced blog, has complied. You can respond by leaving your reactions/vitriol in our comments section. Disclaimer: HouStoned does not necessarily condone Galt's views, nor are we willing to confirm that Galt even exists.
So dig it — last week's textbook police assault on Walter's was just as awesome as the Invasion of Iraq. Seriously! I mean, think about it. George Bush didn't let those limp-wristed, Frenchified weapons inspectors go in there and muddy the waters, and he didn't really even try diplomacy — he just kinda said "Yo, we're invadin' your ass" and went and did it. All real men know that diplomacy's for Euros and other fags. That's why I dig the dude — he's a real man, a bold man of action, not some candy-ass coward like John Kerry, Colin Powell, John McCain or that traitor Murtha.
According to the people at Walter's, that is exactly what Officer Rodriguez did, too. Instead of talking to Walter's owner Pam Robinson (who's totally like Saddam when you get to know her) or empowering the door person or manager (frightened and sadistic minions of Pam's, just like the Baath Party) to control the situation, he just said "I'm going straight to Baghdad and gank this bitch. All the kids here will greet me as a liberator."
And when he tackled Adam from Two Gallants, it even kinda looked like when those Ay-rabs pulled that statue of Saddam over. It was a glorious moment, let me tell ya. I even kinda shed a tear. ( A manly one, like the one I shed when we crushed the spread of International Communism in Grenada.) Shoulda been "Mission Accomplished" right there. But some people — Iraqis and commies and anarchists-- just don't what's good for 'em.
After the jump: Officer Rodriguez sticks it to those vegan, airy-fairy Two Gallants fans...
Anyway, Rodriguez went in there without back-up just like the President went into Iraq 'cause he knew he was better armed and more of a man than all those vegan freaks, airy-fairy English lit Masters candidates, and brainwashed Chomsky-ites who dig Two Gallants. And he was right. Just look at the videos, dude. Rodriguez has that situation well in hand. What I see is the insurgents on the run, and the iron hand of the law slowly crushing the life out of their silly, futile little mutiny. They are mere seconds away from being brought to heel — the heel of the jack-boot, which is where such riff-raff always belongs.
And why shouldn't he have the upper hand? One of the things that makes this country the unstoppable juggernaut that it is that Rodriguez, like all American police, was in possession of several types of vicious ATTACK WEAPONS, and he accurately gauged that the worst that would happen to him in there was that those Second Amendment-hating pansies might lob a copy of Howard Zinn's People's History of America or a complete set of Amy Goodman's pinko rants at his head. The Boys in Blue mock such feeble mewlings from the leftist rabble, and justifiably so.
Anyway, he knew his buddies would think he was a punk if he didn't have the insurgents (clubgoers) on the run by the time they arrived. He knew he would be teased mercilessly the next time he ran into his buddies down at Shipley's if they knew he went into Walter's and asked politely for the club to turn the sound down, just like Bush hates getting ribbed down at the UN whenever that fat little North Ko-rean or that I-ranian Ahmadinajihad (or whatever his name is) gets in his face. That's why Rodriguez had no choice but to call down an airstrike on those dudes, and that's exactly what a Taser feels like. An full payload from an A-10 Warthog, bubba, right in your solar plexus. (Well, that's what my kid sister Imelda said after I tried out my mail-order Bulgarian model on her, but she's probably tougher than your average Two Gallants fan. I bet it feels worse.)
And then when he Tasered all those dudes with cameras (obvious spies), it was just like when we launched a few tank shells into the Al-Jazeera building. As with dodgy invasions, there ain't no percentage in letting the truth get in the way of the law. — John Galt
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- HBU Says the Feds Are Forcing It to Sin (and These Uber-Conservative Judges Agree)
Thu., Oct. 8, 8:00pm
Fri., Oct. 9, 12:00am
Sun., Oct. 11, 12:00am
Mon., Oct. 12, 12:00am
- KHOU vs. DISH Contract Standoff Still Isn't Over
- College and NFL Football: This Weekend's Best Bets