A&M Tackles The Pressing Animal-ESP Issue
What is Texas A&M's vaunted research department up to these days?
The pressing issue of whether pets have ESP.
"The question has been asked for decades: Do animals have ESP?" says an Aggie press release.
We say the question has been asked for minutes: Who the hell's been wondering whether animals have ESP?
Someone, apparently. For the answers, let's go to the appropriately named Dr. Bonnie Beaver of A&M.
No, not the appropriately named Dr. Bonnie Beaver who is a California gynecologist. Let's keep things respectable here.
Unhappily for the sake of A&M's reputation, such as it is, the press release says "It's been suspected ESP exists in humans, but not unequivocally proven." (We guess "not unequivocally proven" is Aggie-speak for "it's absolute bullshit.")
More happily for A&M's reputation, such as it is, Beaver pretty well scotches the theory that animals have extra-sensory perception.
"A lot of the unusual phenomena that deals with animal ESP can be explained as something else," she says.
Predicting earthquakes or storms? Animals can sense early, light tremors or changes in barometric pressure. Sensing a seizure in their owners? They can perceive subtle shifts in owner behavior.
So it's back to the drawing board, all you animal-ESP advocates. (Your precious Puddles probably could have predicted that.)
We're just glad A&M had the guts -- and the time -- to settle this pressing question.
-- Richard Connelly