Al Green Goes All Rambo

Bold stands are the order of the day, and U.S. Rep. Al Green is right on the front line. Fighting the Vietnam War.

Green has issued a press release bringing notice to the fact that he's against the Vietnamese government opening a consulate here in Houston.

"The Vietnamese government has come under great scrutiny in recent years due to allegations of severe human rights violations. The advocacy organization Human Rights Watch noted earlier this year that the country 'was characterized by the harshest crackdown on peaceful dissent in 20 years' in 2007,'" his office's official statement says.


Representative Al Green

We don't know why Green is picking on the Vietnamese. Or maybe he has no problem with some of the other countries that have consulates here:

The People's Republic of China? Maybe Green enjoys the occasional Falun Gong demonstration on Montrose Boulevard.

Saudi Arabia? We know they have oil; we know they also have human-rights violations out the ass.

Other countries with consulates here include Pakistan, Egypt, Rwanda, Syria and that communistic stronghold of Hugo Chavez, Venezuela.

We assume he's calling for these places to be thrown out of town, too. Assuming there are large voting blocs of Egyptians, Rwandans, etc., in his district.

Green spokesman Daniel Mauer says he's talked to his boss and such protests "will be taken on a case-by-case basis as they are brought to our attention. In all cases we abhor human-rights violations."

So maybe Green will get the news on Egypt and the rest one of these days. — Richard Connelly

Wayne's Wikipedia Life

By the looks of the little infobox on his Wikipedia page, it appears that somehow, some way, Wayne Dolcefino has antagonized somebody. The Channel 13 investigative reporter's occupation is listed as "gossip columnist/local punchline," his religious beliefs are listed as "Satanic orthodox," and his spouse is said to be Dave Ward. The entry claims that Dolcefino is "known for" "raping Asian babies."

Dolcefino is taking it all in stride. "A viewer pointed that out to me the other day," he tells Hair Balls. "A while back, it said I was married to Tim Heller, and I didn't see that. Tim is a tad jealous that I have moved on. I think Dave's a little old for me."

He says he was amused by the "Satanic orthodox" bit: "What, so I couldn't be Satanic reform?" — John Nova Lomax

Baylor Sleuths Triumph

The president of Baylor University has sent out an e-mail to students and staff explaining that a rope, found hanging from a tree on Election Day, was not a noose.

President David Garland said students had come forward to explain the rope was merely the remnants of a swing that they had tried to build. Because those nutty, sedate Baylor kids are still into such 1950s things as rope swings and malt shops (and lynchings?), we guess.

Garland further explained that an investigation into whether a group of students had burned Obama campaign signs had found that the students had instead burned empty campaign boxes for a barbecue fire.

Still under investigation is an incident of black and white students shouting at each other. We expect this will be found to have been a pep rally.

Even with that third incident still unsolved, you have to admit that is one big day for the Baylor investigative squad. Two allegations, two cases emphatically closed (with findings of "nothing to see here, move along").

These guys should be working for CSI: Waco.

A peek at the Baylor Investigative Squad files reveals other examples of solid, quick detective work.

1. The large "Obama Sucks" banner found hanging outside a dorm was determined to have been a typo. Investigators are still working on what the actual second word was supposed to have been.

2. While the Baylor Archery Team was found to have used Obama pictures for target practice, investigators said no charges could be filed since the team — hampered by injuries — had not actually hit any of the targets.

3. Pictures of Obama were found in the urinals of the Baylor cafeteria; however, investigators reported that a transfer student from Kenya or possibly Nigeria (or, as the report states, "one of those kind of countries") informed them that pissing on a picture is a sign of respect in African culture. (When asked if reporters might interview that transfer student, Baylor officials said he was out celebrating "an important African holiday.")

4. The large burning cross discovered on the quad was part of the new "Light Up For Jesus" celebration, officials said.

Baylor officials said they understood that the university's black students might feel uncomfortable with the incidents, even though they all have been definitively proven to have been nothing at all.

In the interests of multi-culturalism, they announced a hotline for black student complaints. Black students are urged to call 1-800-WAZ-ZZUP if they feel the need to "rap."


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