An Experiment In Terror: One Hour On Chatroulette
We're not sure what this was; we're just glad it wasn't yet another penis.
Since its launch in November of last year, popular video chat site Chatroulette has become a beacon of late-night entertainment for lonely people, drunken college kids, and Internet pranksters the world over. It's also spotlighted an epidemic of grown men masturbating for the whole world to see.
Yesterday Hair Balls braved eyesight and human dignity to wade in Chatroulette's virtual waters. We became aware of the site around the time of its launch last fall. At the time of its debut the site was populated hourly by little over a 1,000 or so bored techies and randos trolling for some crude semblance of a sexual encounter. If anything, it proves what women have been saying since the dawn of time: men will masturbate to anything. Anything.
Over our hour of use, we counted at least ten instances of guys doing Van Halen-style solos on their male apparatus. After awhile it became less jarring and aggravating and moved into mild humor. Some guys still had on their work clothes, ties undone. Some sported the always-popular socks-only masturbatory uniform, while others were modest and kept on their McDonald's togs.
To get the full and obnoxious experience of the site, you really need to have a laptop or desktop computer equipped with a webcam. Otherwise people sifting through the channels of cams will pass you over. As per the unspoken rule of the interwebs, it really helps to be an attractive woman, or at least a showman.
We spent an hour on the website yesterday afternoon around 5 p.m. looking for trouble. Sadly we were "nexted" quite a lot over the course of an hour, passed over by others in search of people of the female persuasion or at least someone cooler looking. We would like to think their monitors couldn't process the glare of our bald head. We did get extra attention when a female co-worker walked up behind us, but sadly she didn't want in on the action.
The hour started off slow, with just three guys masturbating, and by the time an hour went by we would see close to 20 different onanistic scenes. We were also propositioned by a Pakistani businessman, asked by a group of high school girls to take our shirt off, and spoke with a Brazilian teen who looked to be taking a break from the World Of Warcraft. We also conversed with what sounded like a sock puppet using a electro larynx. That or it was a poltergeist, which was cool with us as long as it wasn't a masturbating poltergeist.
Here's a few pictures of our decent into madness...
Here we are signing on for the hour, filled with anxiety and the wish that we brought a hat with us to work.
This guy was sitting in front of what looked to be a flag of Middle Eastern origin smoking a cigarette that was lit by someone off camera. Things were tame until he asked us to "whip it out." Next!
We watched this puppet for a good two minutes cringing that at any moment we would see a massive erection in its place. It ended up lip-syncing to a Kelly Clarkson song and signing off. The puppet, not a male erection.
This British gentleman was insistent that our friend show off her wares to him, but she declined. We toyed with him by opening a button or two on our shirt but he signed off by the time we undid two buttons. Who's the tease now?
This fraternity guys were happy enough to talk to us, telling us about their experiences on Chatroulette. When they realized that there were boobs elsewhere to be seen, we were quickly "nexted."
This Queens-area girl asked as how old were and if we wanted to hear her flow. Oops, we totally "nexted" this one.
For a minute or so we watched this broham load tobacco into his bottom lip, and then he gave us the finger.
We dozed off between penises at one point and only came to for a second to take a quick screenshot. The quick nap didn't help, seeing that our eyes were burned by all the dong.
Who's that handsome bald writer guy? Give us some of that!
We Have Peen
Still wanna try out Chatroulette?
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.