An Open Letter to God: Enough with the 100-Degree Days Already

Dear God:

This weekend sucked.

We're sure You were distracted by sending Irene up the East Coast and all, and You didn't realize that You let Houston broil. We all make mistakes. We thought You never did, to be honest, but then again You gave us the Kardashians.

But 109 degrees, God?

Dude, we're not Dallas or Phoenix. You torture us with humidity, remember? Not days and days of triple-digit madness.

(Also, by the way, Rick Perry's been trying to contact you about the lack of rain, but his messages keep getting bounced back.)

Now, unless You're pissed at us for some reason (and really, how many times do we have to apologize for The Tree of Life? Yeah, yeah, it was boring, ponderous and pretentious. So is Mitt Romney, but we don't see you punishing Utah), we're at a loss to figure out what's going on.

Again, we have to assume You haven't been paying attention. Maybe it's Irene, maybe it's handling all the requests from The Response, maybe You've just been busy digging the new Steven Curtis Chapman joint. We forgive, because You would.

But let's keep some things in mind:

1. Houston: Humidity. NOT 100 degrees. Mnemonic: Houston humid, Dallas degrees.

2. Clouds can be nice. You like making puffy little shapes out of clouds, right? Look, there's Snoopy! Well, feel free to indulge Yourself, broseph. Knock Thyself out. We hear rain clouds make the bestest kind of shapes.

3. We're not asking for much. What's the difference between 109 degrees and 99 degrees? To You, nothing. To us, the chance of a possibility we can walk to our cars without getting soaked underarms. Just ten degrees, big guy. Fifteen, tops. That's all we're looking for here.

We know You can make this happen, God. It's just a little matter of paying some attention to the problem.

Let's do this!!

Sincerely, Houston

P.S.: And also, if we can get through one more month without a hurricane, you'd be doing us a solid. Thanks. (It's not like You don't owe us one or anything.)

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