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And Now, the Least Anticipated Movies of Fall/Winter 2011

And Now, the Least Anticipated Movies of Fall/Winter 2011

Pop Rocks will return Thursday.

The fall/winter movie season kicked off last weekend as Contagion dominated the box office (the highly touted Warrior, not so much). I've already covered, in some depth, those releases coming up in the remainder of 2011 that might merit a closer look. We learned a couple things from this. The first is that Ryan Gosling and his abs will be all over the silver screen this fall.

The second is that yours truly has an unhealthy fascination with topless women getting eaten by carnivorous fish.

But that's only part of the story. For every Clooney politi-thriller or Cronenberg psychosexual period piece has an evil counterpart; a yin to its yang, a Cain to its Abel, a...Rizzoli to its Isles.

So without further ado, here are the ten 11 least anticipated movies for the rest of the year. Whether you want to admit it or not.

I Don't Know How She Does It Release Date: September 16 Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Pierce Brosnan, Kelsey Grammer Plot: Kate (Parker) is an executive who supports her husband and two kids, but a new account brings temptation in the form of a debonair business associate (Brosnan).

The title of this movie doesn't make any sense. We don't know how she does...what? Contemplates an affair with a job and two kids? Breaks down the 4th wall? Continues to get romantic leading roles when SATC2 bombed and she has the complexion of one of her designer bags? Help a guy out, here.

Abduction Release Date: September 23 Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Alfred Molina Plot: Young Nathan (Lautner) attempts to uncover the conspiracy surrounding his childhood, presumably doesn't turn into a werewolf.

Which is a shame, because it looks like this movie could really use several large, slavering lycanthropes.

Real Steel Release Date: October 7 Starring: Hugh Jackman, robots Plot: A former boxer (Jackman) trains a scrappy robot to...Christ, I can't believe I'm typing this.

They couldn't just call this Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots: The Movie, because -- no shit -- that movie was actually in development until recently. Fortunately we have Battleship to look forward to.

Footloose Release Date: October 14 Starring: Kenny Wormald, Julianne Hough, Dennis Quaid Plot: City kid Ren (sans Stimpy, as far as I can tell) moves to a city where rock music and dancing have been banned, and proceeds to destroy this peaceful, happy community.

Has your anti-remake outrage meter pegged yet? I'm saving my energy for the Point Break "reimagining", myself.

 

The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21 Starring: Nobody you've ever heard of. Plot: Steampunk reboot of the Dumas classic. Is anybody sick of the word "steampunk" besides me?

I dunno, it's going to be pretty hard to top the definitive 1993 version.

Puss in Boots Release Date: November 4 Starring: Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Zach Galifianakis Plot: Dreamworks attempts to wring one more dollar out of the barely ambulatory Shrek franchise.

Films featuring characters spun off from other movies are always a safe bet. Isn't that right, Scorpion King?

Jack and Jill Release Date: November 11 Starring: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino...Al Pacino? Plot: Jack's twin sister Jill comes from the Bronx to L.A. for a visit, then decides not to leave.

INT. - HAPPY MADISON PRODUCTION OFFICES - NIGHT

Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Nick Swardson are watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force and passing a bong around in Sandler's office.

ADAM takes a hit, passes bong to ROB.

ROB takes a hit, passes bong to NICK.

NICK accidentally lights nose, passes bong to ADAM. This continues for an hour or so.

ADAM
I could, maybe, play myself...and my twin sister.

ROB (coughs smoke violently as he laughs maniacally) Awesome, A.S.! Fucking awesome! Another blockbuster!

NICK (picks nose)

 

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 Release Date: November 18 Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner Plot: Bella and Edward get married, Eurotrash vampires crash reception, you leave theater realizing there's still another movie to go.

Yeah, I don't think these movies are going to catch on. Vampires that can go out in the day? Who's going to buy that shit?

New Year's Eve Release Date: December 9 Starring: Jessica Biel, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl and 30 other actors who haven't had a box office hit in ten years. Plot: Americans try, once again, to replicate the formula for Love, Actually and fail, once again.

Third verse, same as the first. Like the equally cloying Valentine's Day, you'll see this with your girlfriends after a few margaritas and forget all about it the next day.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows Release Date: December 16 Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Jared Harris Plot: Holmes and Watson team up again, this time to take on the diabolical Prof. Moriarty.

I can't be sure, but I think the shadows referred to in the title are being caused by all those goddamned explosions in the trailer.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked Release Date: December 23 Starring: Alyssa Milano and the remnants of David Cross's and Jason Lee's professional dignity Plot: Alvin, Simon and Theodore fall off a cruise ship and are inexplicably not eaten by sharks.

I can understand one of these paycheck movies, hell, maybe even two. But three, David Cross? How many cottages do you need?


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