History will look back at pitcher Kris Benson as just another overpaid, oft-injured blip on the starting-pitcher radar screen.
With his career record of 70-75 and a career ERA of 4.42, along with career earnings in excess of $39 million, on the field and in the wallet there's virtually no difference between Benson and, say, Dave Mlicki, Chris Capuano and Adam Eaton (three of the pitchers to whom Benson is, statistically, most similar according to his baseball-reference.com page).
Figuratively, baseball's "graveyard" is full of Kris Bensons.
But it's his taste in women that sets Kris Benson "the person" apart from the rest, for Kris Benson married his wife, Anna, back in 1999, and Anna, you see, gives new meaning to the phrase "bat-shit crazy."
If we put ex-girlfriends or ex-wives who actually follow through on threats to kill their boyfriends/husbands in a separate category of "bat-shit crazy," Anna Benson was already vying for undisputed champion in the non-murder category, when you consider:
-...she was a stripper in Atlanta as a teenager (and when you break it down, "teenage stripper" is really just the cover charge to get inside the nightclub for the "bat-shit craziest girlfriend" conversation)
-...she was married at age 18 and had a kid (additional cover charge to be allowed into the "bat-shit crazy" VIP area)
-...she posed for FHM magazine, five years into their marriage, in a spread called "Baseball's Hottest Wife"
-...she went on The Howard Stern Show in New York after the FHM shoot and told Stern that if Kris (at that point a New York Met) cheated on her, she would sleep with the entire Mets roster
-...she began playing in the World Series of Poker in 2005, but was ejected for excessive swearing
-...she was the main reason that her husband was traded from the Mets to the Orioles in January 2006. (Think about the desperation that some teams exercise in order to find and retain starting pitching. Now consider that the Mets chunked Benson, a ten-game winner the previous season, for something called a "Jorge Julio" and also a "John Maine." Anna is that crazy.) In 2006, Anna filed for divorce from Kris, as it seems he didn't take her threat to do a 24-way gangbang with the rest of the Mets all that seriously and he decided to screw around on her. Allegedly, repeatedly. Eventually, they reconciled, had a few more kids (solid decision-making there) and then again decided to divorce in 2012.
Which brings us to this past Sunday. I'll let the New York Post do the honors:
The ex-"Baseball Wives'' reality-TV star is accused of ambushing her former-hurler husband at 8:20 p.m. Sunday in the bedroom of his Smyrna home.
Anna Benson, dressed all in black, had a black Taurus Judge revolver, expandable baton and red folding Batman knife with her, police said. Also recovered was a hatchet, a Taser, 13 bullets, a bag of syringes and eight pills, police said.
Anna demanded $30,000 while repeatedly screaming, "P---y!'' at Kris, cops said.
She beat her chest with the baton like an ape, smashed her husband's computer terminal and pulled the gun out of her purse, said Kris Benson, 38, who was traded by the Mets in 2005 and has since retired.
Good Lord, was there any type of weaponry Anna was missing?
Firearm? Check. Blunt force apparatus? Check. Small, sharp object? Check. Large, sharp object? Check. Needles? Check. Electroshock? Check.
Anna was also wearing a black bulletproof tactical vest, and her explanation for why she was wearing it might be the most fantastic part of this whole story:
Anna told cops she wore the tactical ballistic vest "because it was a new model she was testing for a company'' and she needed "to get it to mold to her body,'' police records say.
"I was dressed in all my ballistics gear because I'm starting my own company,'' she told The Post.
"I am designing bulletproof vests -- bulletproof window film that is also good for insulating windows.
"My plan is to drive around the Southeast to the different gun shows and see what is out there and what is cool. The problem is that I don't have any money to start my business, and a lot of the stuff I can't tell the investors about because it is top-secret military and Department of Defense stuff.
"I don't disclose any of the information, because that could jeopardize the officers and the soldiers.
Anna Benson, entrepreneur and American patriot.
Now comes the 9-1-1 call, where Kris Benson, starting in his basement and then presumably scurrying into the woods with a Bluetooth in his ear, tries to expeditiously explain to the 9-1-1 operator what the hell is going on while Anna sits back at the house sharpening her red Batman knife and waiting for her $30,000.
"WHOA" moments in that 9-1-1 call, mini Zapruder style:
3:08 -- The operator asks Kris if Anna has "ever done this before," and he answers, "No, but my uh...no, she hasn't." Is it a reach for me to think that his little shimmy shake mid-sentence there is an indicator that she has done this before? Or at least something somewhat resembling this?
3:14 -- The operator asks Kris what kind of gun Anna has and he says he thinks it's a Judge and that "she's talked about it before." Maybe I'm living a sheltered life, but I've never met a woman who casually discusses her firearms. I actually don't know that I've met many women who even own their own firearm. Maybe I should get out more.
5:27 -- Benson volunteers that Anna asked him to get a lighter for her to smoke a cigarette, and when he left the room is when he ran off and called 9-1-1. Not exactly a brain surgeon, that Anna. Perhaps the biggest upset in all of this is that Aaron Hernandez relinquishes the "dumbest celebrity criminal" title after holding it for just two weeks. (Actually, what am I saying?...Hernandez will hold that title forever, or at least until The Situation decides to kill somebody.)
When police finally arrived at the home, they found Anna on the back porch, dressed in her combat gear and smoking a cigarette. Apparently, she had found a lighter on her own. When informed by the police that they had been contacted by Kris, she merely muttered, "He's a fucking pussy."
Apparently, Anna had left their youngest child with neighbors before heading over to "visit" Kris, telling them that she had a $1,500 modeling gig at the Cobb County Civic Center. Somewhat dubious of that claim given that Anna was wearing ammunition and combat gear, the neighbor asked exactly what she was supposed to be modeling.
Her reply: "This is the first outfit I'm modeling." She told the neighbors she was modeling the vest and ammo for a ballistics company.
In related news, there was a jewelry show at the Cobb County Civic Center on Sunday. That's it.
When asked from jail how she felt in the wake of this incident, Anna got off her final lunatic salvo:
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"I'm a good girl, a nice girl. I would never hurt [Kris]. I am still in love with him."
Uh-huh. Sure you are, Anna.
BAT. SHIT. CRAZY.
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