I never thought pregnancy could be so crazy.
Apparently, I was wrong.
Now calm down, gentle readers. The fates have not yet conspired to allow Miss Pop Rocks to breed (perhaps there's an overabundance of snark at the moment and the universe does not need anymore), but this thought crossed my mind when I was perusing the tube and realized the number of television programs devoted simply to making people totally freak out about getting knocked up.
In just a few days, we will be graced with Discovery Health Channel's "Baby Week," which is a lot like "Shark Week" except with a focus on fetuses and not hammerheads (same dif).
Instead of copying TLC's Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby (breezy, dreamy shows that follows couples idiotic enough to allow cameras to film them as their lives completely transform when they bring their mewling infant into the world), Discovery Health's "Baby Week" is focused solely on the freaky deaky.
Shows to air during "Baby Week" include Births Beyond Belief, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Obese & Pregnant, Twins by Surprise, and Jesus Christ What the Fuck Is Up With Your Baby Oh My God!
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Let's take I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Now having never been PG, I can't speak from personal experience. However, knowing many women who have been blessed in this way makes me wonder why they didn't title this show, The Dumbest Women in the World. Seriously, you didn't know you were pregnant? Would you by any chance be interested in purchasing a bridge in Brooklyn? Oh, you thought you just had bad gas? For nine months? I mean, come on.
Twins by Surprise is obviously about people who were smart enough to infer that they were having one baby but were never told there was another wee one floating around in mom's belly. Personally, I think this show should be titled, Mommy and Daddy Sue the Doctor or Oh, Shit.
Little Parents, Big Pregnancy, and Obese & Pregnant are about people who are so big or so small, but they've got one thing in common -- they are all about to learn what it's like to stay awake for five days at a time as their baby cries for more milk.
I get that people are fascinated by pregnancies and babies, and the truth is, I'll probably watch my share of "Baby Week." But the bottom line is that if ever Miss Pop Rocks has a kid, I am crossing my fingers that I won't end up on Births Beyond Belief or Double Identical Twins. Definitely not Double Identical Twins. The world really doesn't need that much snarkiness out there, I promise you.