Are You Ready for Some Commercials: Five Things Ads During Football Games Can Do For You
We can make you awesome like this guy.
When a dude sits down to watch some football on TV, he probably has no idea that the commercials he sees are speaking to him. Since real men don't watch documentaries unless they are about football and the only books they read are owners manuals for barbeque grills and power tools, advertisers have to slip helpful advice into television commercials.
With their minds easily plied due to inebriation and the coma-like state induced by nacho consumption, men are vulnerable to the messages in ads. As a public service to those great men who sit and stare, we offer a list of the five things ads during football games can do for you if you only pay attention.
5. Take you on manly adventures
There's nothing like riding a dirt bike on a mountain trail or whitewater rafting through class 5 rapids to make you feel like a man who laughs in the face of danger. Of course, it is more likely that your last battle with dirt was using a vacuum to clean the living room rug and your last whitewater adventure was farting in the bathtub, but whatever. You might not be able to tackle the kind of adventure you see in a Degree commercial or look like the male model in it, but at least you'll be able to smell good -- like Old Spice, only sadder.
4. De-pussify your truck
When you need to haul a shit-ton of rocks through the burning desert or sleep in your vehicle in a cowboy hat while it's snowing...in the desert, you need a big, bad truck. This is particularly true here in Texas, but everywhere you go, dudes like you are making a mockery of your Honda Civic. So, get it in gear, wuss, and drag a bolder up a mountain so you can push it off a cliff like guys with granite balls.
3. Fix your penis
It's ironic that all these dirt bike-riding, lumber-hauling bad asses also can't seem to keep their junk hard even while sitting naked in a bathtub on a hill with their equally naked wives, but it is apparently a "growing" problem (get it?). According to advertisers, all you really need is a bunch of graying, cubicle dwellers who want to jam on some pseudo blues in a beat up old shack in the desert (we see a theme emerging). If they can turn a classic Elvis song into a joke about your limp johnson, even better.
2. Improve your judgement
The next time you wear your sunglasses in a bar or carry some sort of man purse or wear a pair of Speedos, realize that a hot bartender is going to make you look like a giant ass clown and all your buddies will laugh at you. But, forgiveness and babes are yours if you'll just be smart for once and drink a crappy light beer in a bottle that supposedly makes it better but really doesn't.
1. Get you hot chicks
You could work out, get in shape, learn to be less of a douche, get a real job and the like, but why work when all you have to do to be chased by thousands of women is get shitfaced on bad liquor and spray a bunch of smelly crap all over you making you smell like you bathed in Ed Hardy's tears?