Balls...Hair Balls: The Top Five Bond Girl Names
To commemorate the premiere of Quantum of Solace this week, Hair Balls will be bringing you a week of 007-related lists that will hopefully get you all amped up to go see the movie opening day and buy lots of the products featured therein. Brought to you by Bollinger Champagne. Bollinger...it's cham-tastic!
First up, Bond girls. Not 'Who was the best?' (that's easy - Rosa Klebb), but 'Who had the best name?'
5. Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood) - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
"Named after your father, perhaps?" Natalie Wood's kid sister makes ample use of her considerable...charms in Connery's return to the franchise following The George Lazenby Experiment. Plenty shares a similar fate with most of the women Bond meets first in his movies: a little roll in the luxury hotel hay and an ignominious demise. Though not, as one might suspect, anaphylactic shock caused by exposure to Connery's hairpiece.
4. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) - Goldeneye (1995)
I had high hopes for the Pierce Brosnan era. The producers waited until the actor was seasoned enough (Remington Steele-era Brosnan didn't have the requisite mileage), made the end of the Cold War a plausible starting point, and brought in some nice inter-agency intrigue. Maybe we'd finally get a Bond that's a little more rooted in realit...what's that? The female henchperson crushes rib cages with her thighs? Well never mind, then.
3. Honey Rider (Ursula Andress) - Dr. No (1961)
Porno movies as we know them didn't exist in '61, so the name of Ursula Andress' character was a watershed giggle-behind-your-hand moment for young boys not fortunate enough to be born into the generation that already knew the likes of Candy Samples and Craven Morehead.
2. Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman) - Goldfinger (1964)
Or "Abundant Cats" to her friends. Connery's machismo was overpowering enough to make men spontaneously grow ovaries and turn lesbians like Galore into crazed hose monsters. A premise so ludicrous that the only director silly enough to try it since was Kevin Smith, and then only because he needed a gimmick to bring in audiences after Mallrats.
1. Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles) - Moonraker (1979)
EXT . HOSPITAL - ESTABLISHING
INT. DELIVERY AREA WAITING ROOM - NIGHT
The lone occupant, expectant father MR. GOODHEAD, sits on a well worn couch. An ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts sits on the table beside him. A NURSE enters.
NURSE: Congratulations, Mr. Goodhead...it's a girl.
MR. GOODHEAD: (sighs heavily)
NURSE: You must be so proud. Have you thought of a name?
MR. GOODHEAD: Does it matter?
Yeah, probably not.
-- Pete Vonder Haar
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