Well, it finally happened!
After a week's worth of exhaustively discussing the Seahawks depth on defense, Peyton Manning's wobbly spirals, and Marshawn Lynch's reluctance to use his words, we finally got a nice, juicy hooker story to spice up Super Bowl week!
Actually, according to the story, it was a "one stop shop" with prostitution and drugs involved! It's all about convenience these days, people.
So Super Bowl shenanigans are alive and well. The human condition apparently includes the inevitably of men paying for sex on the biggest stage in the world. Death, taxes, and hookers.
Now let's BATTLE-DRINK...
So many different angles to play with in Sunday's game. As always, we will examine each column of the BATTLE-DRINK board and their respective purposes. Keep in mind, if you a) value your liver and b) want to stay upright to see the second half of the game, you can play alternate versions of the game:
BATTLE-DRINK SIP: Replace all of the non-sip columns (in this case, GULP, CHUG, JELLO SHOT, SHOT) with SIP. That should lighten the load. Under this version of the game, your odds of vomiting drop from 100 percent to 82.3 percent. Scientifically proven.
BATTLE-DRINK LIGHT: Make every square just one sip. This will virtually assure you of making it through the entire game, and reduces your odds of vomiting to 51.8 percent. Again, reams of data support this.
Now, onto the game....
B1: Peyton Manning completion B2: OMAHA!! B3: Manning family suite shot B4: "Legacy" mention B5: Papa John's commercial Peyton Manning is the big story in this game. For a guy who has accomplished about everything you could in the regular season during his 16 years in the league, his post season record, which is "blend in the pack" stuff when compared to other greats, hangs over his head. In this day and age of endless (mindless) debate, it's even more ominous. So now, how do we evaluate Peyton Manning if he vanquishes the best defense we've seen in the last seven seasons, in cold weather, with his arm bringing heat reminiscent of Tim Robbins' 54 MPH marshmallows in Bull Durham? It would simultaneously smart-bomb at least two incessant criticisms of Manning ("can't play in the cold" and "can't win the big one"). Huge stakes for number 18.
Oh, also, OMAHA!!
I1: Marshawn Lynch carry I2: 12th man mention I3: Any weather mention or graphics I4: Wes Welker drop I5: Percy Harvin injured Your garden variety, in-game occurrences, capturing a few of the biggest storylines of the week. In game, I think the two biggest x-factors are the weather and Percy Harvin. The weather, because we know about Peyton's aforementioned cold weather bugaboos. Harvin, because he is the downfield threat that the Patriots didn't have to open up the running game for LeGarrette Blount. The Seahawks don't need a big game from Harvin, but they need the threat of a big play from Harvin in order to move the football on the ground. By the way, when I see Wes Welker's name, it reminds me of the oddest "stiff" that Rich Lord and I sustained on Radio Row. Every year, you go into the week with a guest list, and some guests get added and some drop out at the last minute. The oddest, and maybe most insulting one, was Peter Scolari inexplicably no-showing us to start the show on Thursday. If you're like "Who?!?" don't worry, you're not alone. Scolari was best known for being Tom Hanks' co-star in early 80's sitcom Bosom Buddies, before one of the two of them became a big star. (Hint, NOT Scolari.)
Scolari went on to have a supporting role on Newhart and a few other nondescript roles, while Hanks became the signature actor of our generation. (Scolari is in a Broadway show about the Yankees, which is why he was scheduled for Radio Row. I know you were wondering.)
Anyway, where does Welker fit in? Well, when you think about it, Scolari acted alongside two of the greats of the last few decades, Newhart and Hanks, much the same way Welker has caught passes from maybe the two best quarterbacks of all time, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. I had the comparison all ready to go in a great metaphorical question. And Scolari screwed me. You suck, Scolari. You suck.
N1: Richard Sherman taunting penalty N2: Richard Sherman interception N4: "Thug" mention N5: Michael Crabtree tweets at Sherman Perhaps the biggest thrill I got all week on Radio Row was being part of an interview of the Reverend Jesse Jackson. The interview was fantastic, but how it came about was even better. Former Texan defensive lineman Travis Johnson was sitting in with Rich Lord and I for the afternoon on Thursday. Travis is great on the radio, fearless, and brings a ton of energy to the show. Well, we were sitting there doing the show, and out of nowhere, on air, Travis barks "Hey, it's REGGIE JACKSON!" I turn around, and it was actually Jesse Jackson, which, yes, made us all die laughing. Well, it didn't stop there. Travis basically sold Jackson in about two seconds on sitting down to an impromptu interview with us. An incredible moment, and I was thrilled to get to ask the Reverend a question about the Richard Sherman dust-up and the racial overtones of the reaction. I don't recall his answer because I was in awe of sitting next to Jesse Jackson.
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G1: "Concussion" mention G2: "Marijuana" mention G3: "Goodell" mention G4: "Counterfeit memorabilia" mention G5: National anthem botch This is the "NFL hot button" column. You can't do any interview with current or former players without mixing in one question about player safety and/or weed. It's Radio Row protocol this year.
O1: Beer commercial O2: Automotive commercial O3: Food commercial O4: Kate Upton commercial O5: Betty White commercial This column is for all of the "once a year" NFL fans who are at the Super Bowl parties for the conversation, the appetizers, to play squares, and yes, watch the commercials. YouTube and the premature leak of some of these spots has really obsoleted "commercial guy" at Super Bowl parties. You know, that one guy (or gal) who knows everything about every spot that's supposed to run, but doesn't know which Manning is playing in the actual game. Hate that guy.
Enjoy the game, everybody! And please don't drink and drive!