BATTLE-DRINK, Week 13: The All-John McClain Edition
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Watching sporting events in the year 2013 is a different experience now than it was just five years ago. Yeah, if we're watching on television, we still have our play-by-play guy, our color analyst and perhaps even a sideline reporter. Those people haven't gone anywhere.
But now, even just in the last five years, we get a lot more information available given to us in game, what with on-screen game status graphics, colored lines on the field for first downs and field goal range, and a perpetual flow of information on a ticker at the bottom of the screen.
And then there's Twitter.
Used properly during a sporting event, Twitter has become a frenetic adjunct to all of the other sensory items during a game. With a constant flow of opinions, stats, one-liners and emotional outbursts, Twitter is a social media amalgam that becomes a sort of third man in the booth for us.
When watching Texans games, there are a few "must-follows" on Twitter, but there is nobody who compares to legendary Houston Chronicle NFL writer John McClain.
For most of the regular work week, McClain's Twitter feed is a fairly standard Chronicle columnist's timeline -- lots of quotes from press conferences, retweets of links to articles (his and some colleagues'), statistics and a few opinions. A normal, good, solid Twitter follow experience.
But as soon as toe meets leather in any Texans game, it's like McClain jumps into a phone booth and becomes a Twitter superhero whose special power is to spew over-the-top honesty and criticism on virtually every Texans play.
Pathetic. Horrendous. Wretched. These are all staple words in McClain's tweets during Texans games that are so ingrained into his persona that he could probably sell branded merchandise with the word "PATHETIC" written across the front. (In fact, this needs to happen.)
In short, "regular" John McClain is a kind man and a good friend. "Texans game Twitter John McClain," though, is flat-out awesome.
Dozens of people (including McClain) have had BATTLE DRINK squares dedicated to them before, but never has an individual commanded an entire board. Until now.
I could think of no better game to harness McClain's unique brand of rapid-fire criticism into a collective drinking BINGO board than the New England Patriots' coming into Reliant this Sunday. So without further ado, here is your special All-John McClain Twitter BATTLE DRINK board. All squares are listed below with embedded examples of McClain's executing each of them in the last couple of weeks.
Here you go:
Pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic! Three up and three down for Texans offense. RT Derek Newton allows Schaub to be sacked for 9 yard loss.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) September 29, 2013
Horrendous play by FS DJ Swearinger, who missed tackle on FB Zach Line on 61-yard TD. Just awful tackling so far.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) August 10, 2013
Texans wretched, rotten special teams did it again. A hold on Brice McCain. He's killing the Texans two ways.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
Terrible call by Kubiak. third and 2 at 31. Run it twice. Now Randy Bullock missed another 50-yard FG and Titans have ball at their 40.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) September 15, 2013
The Texans are so bad in the first half they're getting outperformed by the Chargers Girls.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) September 10, 2013
Case Keenum is getting blitzed like crazy in 2nd half again. Texans have no answer. They're 2-of-9 on third down. They look helpless.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
It's kind of pitiful watching the Texans offense right now. Once proud and effective, now feeble and ineffective.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) October 7, 2013
The Texans were so awful they scored the hat trick of futility -- allowing TDs on offense, defense and special teams.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) October 13, 2013
Another three-and-out for Texans offense. That's 3 series with nothing to show for it. Another abysmal second half for keenum and offense.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
How horrible can the Texans' offense get. Third-and-12 and nobody touches DE Lamarr Houston, who sacks Keenum— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
N1: Sarcastic special teams comment
It took a while but Texans special teams finally got a penalty. Holding on Eddie Pleasant on KO return. Starting at their 7.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 24, 2013
N2: Sarcastic Texans penalty comment
Jared Crick just got the most brain-dead penalty in football -- lining up in the neutral zone.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
N4: Sarcastic 2nd half ineptitude comment
Once again, Texans are getting trounced in second half. Obviously, Raiders made offensive adjustments at halftime and went right down field.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
N5: Sarcastic Bob McNair comment
If they sold smelling salts at Reliant Stadium, Bob McNair would make a fortune today.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
G1: "Texans will have first pick in draft"
Texans are playing from behind in every game recently. This game should go a long way toward determining who has top pick in the draft.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 24, 2013
G2: "Texans will take a QB"
I figure Texans will be drafting a QB with top pick in the draft.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 24, 2013
G3: "Texans will cut Matt Schaub
Matt Schaub admits his Texans' future is uncertain: http://t.co/AOyXGMowSu— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 21, 2013
G4: "Gary Kubiak will be fired"
I won't be surprised if Bob McNair fires Gary Kubiak on Monday. This is another low point for the franchise. Lowest of the lows.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 24, 2013
G5: "Thug, punk, loser" mention I couldn't find any Twitter examples to back up this square, but I do know that these terms are all McClain staples on his radio appearances on Texans flagship 610 AM, and I do know that Aaron Hernandez was a Patriot until he (allegedly) killed a guy. That's something a thug, punk, and loser would do. So, could happen.
O1: Robert Griffin III mention O2: Art Briles mention O3: Bryce Petty mention O4: Baylor bowl prospects mention O5: Grant Teaff mention
Grant Teaff is 80. Wow. I was a student when he came to Baylor. He's already got a statue. Briles, RG3 and Singletary should get statues 2.— John McClain (@McClain_on_NFL) November 17, 2013
Pretty solid effort on that last tweet, as it would have paid off with three different squares on one tweet. Killer.
One reminder -- as always, you can play conventional BATTLE-DRINK by following the rules exactly (and risk a case of alcohol poisoning that would kill an adult elephant), you can play BATTLE-DRINK SIP, which replaces all of the column components (Chug, Gulp, Shotgun, Shot) with "Sip," or you can play BATTLE-DRINK LIGHT, which makes each square one sip when it occurs.
As always, please drink responsibly, and don't drink and drive. Drinking and driving is PATHETIC!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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