Biggest Loser v 6.0 -- Tattooed Yankee Fan Carlos Sturgus
My view on tattoos is well documented in this space. I don't understand them, but I don't begrudge people who decide to get them. Me, I tend to have a more big-picture view on what gets permanently etched onto my skin; in short, I'd feel stupid at age 70 (assuming I make it that far) with a picture of a hand of blackjack or a Notre Dame logo sketched onto my arm or chest or forehead (more on this -- the "forehead" -- in a second).
But I'm not in the business of telling people how to live their lives. If you want a tattoo, by God, ink up! And I'm really not in the business of telling people with guns how to live their lives.
Before we get to his story, a quick recap of previous winners of my award, an award which laments the human condition of stupidity and yearns for the eventual Darwinian weeding out of these folks from the collective gene pool:
Battle of the Piney Woods: SFA vs. SHSU
TicketsSat., Oct. 1, 3:00pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. UTSA Roadrunners Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 6:00pm
Rice University Owls Football vs. Prairie View A&M University Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 22, 2:30pm
Biggest Loser, v 1.0 -- Brewer Lawn Ornament Hoarder
Biggest Loser, v 2.0 -- (Then-) Dallas Cowboys WR Roy Williams
Biggest Loser, v 3.0 -- Luther Campbell
Biggest Loser, v 4.0 -- Jeff Toole
Biggest Loser, v 5.0 -- Washington Wizards Chris Singleton
Okay, on to Carlos Sturgus.
I know that we've all been in the situation before where we're hanging out on our balcony with a buddy. The conversation gets a little heated, perhaps a disagreement over a fantasy football trade or an argument about who the greatest WWF Intercontinental champion of all time is (Honky Tonk Man, by the way), whatever the case, the environment gets a little tense.
And then it escalates. And then guns come out. And then as your now-adversary is walking away, you plant a warm slug into his back.
I get it. Who hasn't been in a shootout on their apartment balcony before?
This is where Carlos Sturgus comes in -- gunman off the balcony of his apartment. Over the weekend, Sturgus had this exact thing occur. Argument, escalation, guns, BANG! There were only a couple problems for Sturgus:
1. There were witnesses to the attack, likely the dude who got shot and possibly others. And you really didn't need many witnesses to piece together the description of the perpetrator Sturgus because one distinguishing characteristic set him apart. And that brings me to....
2. Carlos Sturgus has a tattoo. A New York Yankee logo tattoo. On his face. In between his eyes.
This made capturing Sturgus fairly easy since he is the only human being among the roughly 5 bazillion human beings on earth with a Yankee logo tattooed on his forehead. In fact, it's actually right in between his two eyebrows, which means the only way he'd have escaped being fingered by a witness for the crime would have been if he were Anthony Davis, because then the logo would have been covered by the midsection of the caterpillar-like unibrow crawling above his eyes.
I'm guessing this was the easiest drawing that the police sketch artist on the case ever had to generate. Once the witness described the tattoo on Sturgus's face, you could pretty much just draw a smiley face with a Yankee tattoo and you'd have him cuffed before dinner.
So circling back to the beginning of this post, I don't begrudge anyone who chooses to get a tattoo on any portion of their body. However, I will openly ridicule someone who opts for a face tattoo, especially a face-tattoo wearer who totes (and shoots) guns.
So there you have it, our first (and most certainly not our last) Yankee fan in the Biggest Loser Club!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.