Biggest Loser v 8.0 -- This Ridiculous Arkansas Football Fan
The Internet and technology in 2013 are awesome.
I mean, who would have thought a decade ago that we would have the capability of gazing into our very own video camera (on our phones, no less!), busting out an a capella rendition of a homemade ode to our favorite college football team and then uploading it to our very own Web channel so that viewers everywhere could
destroy us give us feedback?
It's an amazing time we live in. Never have your 15 minutes of fame been more available to you, and in so many forms, than today.
However, for some people, the Internet and all its accoutrements can be a loaded gun, which brings us into our latest entry on my Biggest Loser list, which frankly is just a few entrants away from being its own bona fide Hall of Fame.
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Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts
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Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals
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Just a refresher (with links!) to previous winners of this glorious "Hair Balls" distinction:
Biggest Loser, v 1.0 -- Brewer Lawn Ornament Hoarder
Biggest Loser, v 2.0 -- (Then-) Dallas Cowboys WR Roy Williams
Biggest Loser, v 3.0 -- Luther Campbell
Biggest Loser, v 4.0 -- Jeff Toole
Biggest Loser, v 5.0 -- Washington Wizards Chris Singleton
Biggest Loser, v 6.0 -- Tattooed Yankee Fan Carlos Sturgus
Biggest Loser, v 7.0 -- Tyreke Evans
Which brings us to our latest "honoree"...America, meet Wesley Wells! (Not to be confused with former Carolina Panthers tight end and underrated fantasy threat Wesley Walls.)
Wesley is an Arkansas Razorback football fan, this much is obvious. He's a really, really big Arkansas Razorback fan, and apparently an even bigger fan of new Arkansas head football coach Bret Bielema. So big a fan, in fact, that he is paying the highest completely unacceptable tribute that one man can pay to another -- a public YouTube video of him singing a tribute song to Bielema, who, mind you, is 0-0 right now as Arkansas head coach. Without further ado, here is the video:
0:05 -- Lots of Arkansas colors going on in the palatial Wells Studios, and Wesley sporting a Cotton Bowl T-shirt that appears to have two Arkansas helmets on it. I don't recall the season where the Cotton Bowl was an intra-squad Razorback scrimmage, but it may have happened.
0:08 -- Wesley is dedicating this song to someone whose name I don't know (Man, I hope I'm not getting snarky about a song inspired by a dead relative. I'll feel terrible.), and he's got a family member (Henley?) singing background off camera. This is clearly Wesley's show, America! The camera is HIS!!!! (Wesley might be a bit of a diva.)
0:24 -- One line in and this thing is a disaster: "I THOUGHT WINS WERE ONLY TRUE WITH PUH-TRINO..." Oh God, disjointed syllable stress, horrible voice -- this is going to be a painfully fun ride. Like Space Mountain after four shots of Jack Daniel's.
0:25 -- Mother of all that is sacred, what the hell was that noise off camera?!? "BUMP BUDDA DOO DOO" or some shit... That's the "background vocals"?? Oh hell.
0:32 -- The second round of background vocals sounds like Henley is the one who took four shots of Jack Daniel's before the song. "DUH DUHDUH DUH DUGHSJSALKHDJHJHDOOOOO..."
0:50 -- "Then I saw his face....now I'M A BIELEMER!!" This is maybe the most uncomfortable line in the history of song, partially because a teenage boy is sitting in his room with his brother singing longingly about Bret Bielema's face, and partially because...well...Bret Bielema's face!
0:55 -- Whichever person is responsible for cinematography blows, quite frankly. Either he has to take a piss and he's all jittery, or he's trying to figure out just how closely he needs to zoom in on Wesley Wells. At this point, I'd rather have a second camera on Henley Wells to see what an Arkansas fan sitting in a puddle of his own waste and vomit looks like while he slurs "DUH DUH DOOODLJHDJKSHDKJLRTDOOO..."
1:36 -- "And soon the Hogs will win the BCS..." Okay, let's be clear about one thing, Wesley. Set aside the fact that the BCS is dead after this season. I'm going to assume that you're not myopic enough to think the Hogs have a chance to win this season, which is a major assumption by me considering you're a functional human being who is willingly sitting in your bedroom with your brother recording a love song for your 400-pound head coach. But let's assume for a moment that you are using "BCS" as a moniker for the new "College Football Playoff" because not much rhymes with "College Football Playoff"....I'll make this assumption for you. Now, let me tell you something...the Hogs will NEVER win the College Football Playoff. Not this year, not next year, not any year that Bret Bielema is the head coach. It's NEVER happening. Now go find something that rhymes with "Outback Bowl."
2:03 -- Hmmm, specific Nick Saban mentions...my hunch is that it's not going well for Wesley Wells on Alabama message boards. Hell, it's probably not going well for him on Arkansas message boards.
2:24 -- Wow, you can tell the big finish is coming as Wesley takes his voice up another octave from "shitty" to "shitty and sounding slightly more girlish." Yikes.
2:48 -- "In 20 and 14 the plaaaaayoffs will start..." This line confirms two things: 1. Wesley Wells thinks that you recite the numeric year with the word "and" in it, and 2. He really does think that the Hogs will win the BCS this year because this verse is about the playoffs starting. Tears of laughter flowing right now....
3:42 -- "Don't you be hatin' on my hogs...." Trust me, Wes, this is the last time I even want to discuss your hogs.
Just a reminder once again: This freak wrote, performed and uploaded this song for a coach who has yet to coach a game for his school. I have no idea what it would take for me (or any normal person) to do this, but I'm thinking at least two national championships, maybe three.
The lesson here, people? Yes, iPhones, video functionality and YouTube are all awesome. But just because they exist doesn't mean you have to use them.
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