...after his contract is up next year!
There, now you know how I felt yesterday when I read that headline.
In this day and age where there are so many different places to swallow up news, we see tweets or vague headlines and the human tendency is to fill in the blanks.
So when I saw one of the two -- either a tweet or a headline, I honestly don't remember which it was -- saying "Carlos Lee pondering retirement," I began jumping around at my desk looking for someone to hug, like Jim Valvano at the end of the 1983 NCAA Finals (sorry, Houston).
I mean, sure, this meant that one of my primary sources for sophomoric show content was going to be disappearing to Panama, never to be heard from again, but if the trade off is that I no longer get a 300 pound reminder each night about how inept the local ball club has been the last half decade or so, I'll take that.
(Besides, who's to say Carlos ceases being show content? He is, and always will be, fat. That won't change.)
However, my ecstasy over the possible turn of events for the Astros was short lived. Before I even had a chance to check and see some of the free agents the Astros could allocate Carlos' $19 million to (honestly, knowing full well it would get fully allocated to Drayton McLane's or Jim Crane's pockets), I went in for more detail on this supposed retirement and saw this (courtesy of chron.com):
Astros left fielder Carlos Lee said he may retire when his contract expires after the 2012 season as he aims to devote more time to his family.
Wha'?!? One more year?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
And as if that weren't enough, the article even quoted Lee, whose girth is topped only by his lack of self-awareness:
"I don't know if I'm going to play after this contract," said Lee. "I'm ready to go home."
Carlos, I think I speak for Astro fans everywhere when I say -- GO. PLEASE.
Of course, he has 18.5 million reasons to come back, waddle out to first base, pick up 95 runs batted in (roughly 75 of which will come after the Astros are functionally eliminated from the playoff hunt), and smile after games as if a scoreboard didn't exist.
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Remember that scene in Caddyshack when Judge Smails asks Ty Webb, if Webb doesn't keep score on the course, then how does he measure himself against other golfers, and Webb's answer was "by height?" Sometimes, Carlos is so content with himself, I'm fairly certain he thinks baseball teams are measured against other teams by weight.
So, in some sense, the Astros' 2012 campaign is off and running. Carlos Lee is, in fact, coming back. First base and cleanup are set. They will have a 300 pound toad who wishes he was home with his kids and who doesn't really mind losing very much.
These are your Astros.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on Yahoo! Sports Radio and 1560 The Game weekdays from noon to 3PM Central Time, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.