Chris Bosh's Hideous Back Tattoo Gives Me an Idea
"Awsome," maybe, but you're no Chris Bosh.
My views on tattoos have been made clear in this space before: I don't begrudge people getting a tattoo, or even several tattoos. It's legal, it's your body, do what you want with it. I just would like to be around to see the people who cover every inch of their body in ink all turn 70 or 75 and see if they still think they made the right decision.
I think it would make for a fascinating television show in the year 2060 to see tat-covered octogenarians try to explain the reasons behind each tattoo and emote about how ridiculous they feel slipping their Depends undergarments onto a pelvic region covered in charcoal pictures of skeletons and trees.
I'd watch that show. Especially during "Ex-NBA Players Week." Which brings me to Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh's new back art.
I guess Chris Bosh had a tattoo artist fly in to spend a few days carving out this new masterpiece:
I'm going to assume this guy is one of the best at what he does (the artist, not Bosh) because that's an inherent corollary of the "being flown in to do [X]" theory -- people don't fly other people in to do a job at which they are merely average. Surgeons, nannies, guest speakers, hookers, tattoo artists. If any of these people are being flown in to do a job, assume they're really good at their "thing."
So with that assumption firmly in place, I can only guess that if this tattoo (really, it's more like a set of tattoos) is what Bosh wanted, then he has fallen under the spell of some bad drugs in Miami, and that's a shame. I have to believe that this wouldn't have happened if he had just accepted Daryl Morey's Bachelor rose (which was actually an iPad) and decided to take his talents to South downtown Houston.
As best I can tell, the Bosh tattoo appears to be some melange of tigers eating old men sitting in a tree, all while an eagle screams across the small of Bosh's back at a zombie version of Jennie Garth who is making love to Luke Perry's skull.
Translation: Chris Bosh is a patriotic fan of Beverly Hills 90210 with daddy issues. Daddy issues so bad he wishes a tiger would eat his daddy.
I don't think we can unring the tattoo bell. In fact, with the evolution of the tattoo industry from harmless single bicep tattoo to "my body is the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel," with every future tattoo wearer that dies and gets buried, we lose priceless art. So I am making my appeal to the government -- as soon as you're done fixing the economy, terrorism, content piracy, teenage pregnancy, drugs and general squalor (hopefully like next week some time), could you please add a check box to the driver's license application whereby body tattoo wearers (is that what you call someone who is covered in them?) would donate their torsos to my museum -- the Pendergast Torso Tattoo Museum.
Imagine bringing the field trips that kids could take as they walk down the NBA wing to gaze at the wonderment of Monta Ellis's Giving Tree...
...Udonis Haslem's state of Florida...
...or Andrei Kirilenko's apparent tribute to Terminix (I'm pretty sure that his tattoo is a closeup of a roach or some type of varmint).
And the Mona Lisa spot would go to Bosh, for he is the inspiration for the museum, and an inspiration to patriotic, Beverly Hills 90210-loving people with daddy issues everywhere.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on Yahoo! Sports Radio (Sirius 94, XM 208) and 1560 The Game in Houston, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Top 10 Super Bowl One-Hit Wonders (w/ VIDEO)
Fri., Feb. 19, 6:00pm
Fri., Feb. 19, 6:30pm
Fri., Feb. 19, 8:00pm
Sat., Feb. 20, 1:00pm
- Sheriff Hickman Shoots the Messenger, Pushes Back on Chron Jail Series
- Super Bowl 50: Five Best Prop Bets And Prediction