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Christmas Parenting Advice: Zapruder Analysis of an Insane Video Gamer (NSFW Language)

Way to bring it?
Way to bring it?

Video games are a tricky thing, especially this time of year. When you give a video game to your kids as a gift, are you making their holiday more joyous or potentially making their skin more pasty and their muscles more atrophied?

The key to video game enjoyment, like anything, is moderation. My generation grew up with video games, too, (Space Invaders, anyone?) and we still managed to make it outdoors every day for some sandlot football. As the first generation of parents who actually played video games, we should be qualified to steer our kids properly.

So, the long and the short of it, yes, I got my kids a couple of video games for Christmas yesterday. (And I don't even feel bad mentioning it here, because my kids are at the age where Christmas is "hand Mom and Dad a list of stuff.")

And I was fine with it....until I saw the post on Deadspin with video of some teenage kid going out of his tree with unbridled joy over schooling some fellow gamers at a big dork convention of some sort.

The video apparently comes originally from a website called ringhouse.com, which is either some sort of website promoting hardcore video gaming or a porn site for those of you with a "dorks wearing headphones and screaming like a first grader after five packs of Fun Dip" fetish.

They have their own YouTube channel with dozens of these celebratory videos, but none of them tops the specimen in the Deadspin post. So good is this video that for some reason ringhouse.com has taken it down from their YouTube channel; however, miraculously, it lives on on Deadspin.

For some reason, there is no option to embed the video, so you may have to go with the double browser option -- one browser for the video, one browser for the Zapruder analysis. I know, PRIMITIVE, right?

So go fire up the video, and allow me to give you a detailed PSA on what happens if video game moderation is not parented into your kid. (In the case of the kid in question, I would suggest to his parents the baby steps of having him budget something less than 22 hours a day for video gaming, and go from there.)

So go press PLAY, and let's do this...

 

0:00 -- I don't know Super Gamer's name, I just know he probably goes by the full version of his name. For example, if his name is Timothy, he goes by "Timothy." Not "Tim," not "Timmy," definitely not "T" or "T.J." He's Timothy. Also, I have no clue what game he is playing, something he's apparently really good at. That's all I can glean. Also, dude looks like the sun hasn't hit his skin in about

(however many years old he is)

years. He makes me look like a Coppertone spokesman.

0:01 -- Holy smokes, Timothy just told someone they "aren't shit." Or perhaps more accurately, they "AREN'T SHIT!!!!" (Pretend that's in font size 4,567,312.) Apparently, there are no technical fouls in hardcore gaming.

0:08 -- "YOU LOST...YOU LOST...." followed by some high-pitched scream that has all of the dolphins in the ocean suddenly standing at attention. Seriously, go back and listen to that squeal. The only thing I can come up with that is close to that was when Daryl Hannah told Tom Hanks how to pronounce her name in Mermaid language in the movie Splash...

0:21 -- Lots of percolating cheering going on, like the floor of the stock market meets Call of Duty. Also, underrated, the clearly spooked voice fearfully, moaning "He's on me...he's on me...."

0:30 -- "GET OFF...GET OFF..." This is the gaming equivalent of catching a deep out on the sidelines with two defensive backs draped all over you.

0:34 -- "I SAID GET OFF...I SAID GET OFF..." Another leaping grab over three other shut-ins.

0:41 -- I know Timothy is the central figure of this video, but listening to the other gamers shout instructions, hastily concocted strategy and apologies for messing up is pretty funny. This is what I would imagine it would sound like if Gary Kubiak were miked up playing Defender back in 1982. "Smart bomb...oh crap...well, that's on me....."

0:45 -- The guy screaming, "Hold the end! Hold the end!" is gamer Biran Kelly.

0:47 -- Timothy disgustedly shaking his head at somebody to "get off [him]" is the money shot of the video. His sneer is positively Ivan Drago-esque...

0:53 -- "That's it, boys..." A happy Timothy is a much safer Timothy.

0:59 -- Pan over to another gamer who managed to steal Chuck Amato's old sunglasses from back when he was coaching Philip Rivers at North Carolina State.

1:00 -- "YOU WILL NEVER BEAT ME....NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER BEAT ME...EVER NEVER EVER..." (I'm paraphrasing.) Right now, if video gamers got tail, Timothy would be rolling large with six skanks.

1:18 -- The bearded, Daniel Bryan-lookalike (if Daniel Bryan ate ten boxes of Ho-Ho's a day, that is) in the blue headset looks like he's having a moment of self-awareness, like "Goddamn, I've been gaming every hour of every day for the first 22 years of my life, and for what? To get trash-talked in front of my peers by this guy?" Immediately, Faux Daniel Bryan logs out and signs up for one of those scams where he can make $750 a week from his own living room.

I think Tom Ley of Deadspin put Timothy's "shit talk" game best:

What would have happened if Kevin Garnett had decided to take up competitive gaming instead of basketball? This. This would have happened.

Bo Pelini works in this comparison, as well.

'Tis the season!

("'Tis the season!" is the universal Christmas post finisher.)

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.world


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