Constructing the Perfect Five-Man College Football Coaching Wrecking Crew
To say that the internet is the gift that keeps on giving implies that we're cool with all of its little trends, memes, and time wasters.
To be clear, there is plenty of repetitive, over-thought sludge that comes from our friend, the world wide web. Tebowing and flash mobs had their runs as general web nuisances, and don't get me started on whoever brought Gangnam style into the mainstream.
But occasionally, we get morsels of brain food that spark debate and evoke thought. To that end, of late, there seem to be a preponderance of salary cap style opinion purchase challenges (that's the best way I can describe them). In other words, "You have twenty bucks, here's five groups of mobsters categorized by city, each with his own price -- now go put together the most bad ass crew possible. GO!"
I don't know how it happened, I'm just glad it did. I love stuff like this. And with the college football season almost here, this is the latest....
It presumably started with this tweet from Lost Lettermen, comparing the inter-conference sniping between coaches to a WWE Money In The Bank ladder match....
Seriously tho, coaching barbs are crazy this summer. Next year's media days need to be ladder matches b/t coaches. pic.twitter.com/qeb6F1M9Ed
— LostLettermen.com (@LostLettermen) July 23, 2014
Rice Owls Mens Basketball vs. St. Thomas University Men's Basketball
TicketsWed., Dec. 21, 7:00pm
Advocare V100 Texas Bowl
TicketsWed., Dec. 28, 8:00pm
Rice Owls Mens Basketball vs. Middle Tennessee State Univ Blue Raiders Mens Basketball
TicketsThu., Jan. 5, 7:00pm
PRCA XTreme Bulls
TicketsFri., Jan. 6, 7:30pm
From there, as best I can gather, this fellow named Matthew Kocsan possibly invented and definitely posted this challenge -- assemble the most bad ass five man tag team of college football head coaches using one from each conference based on these prices.
You have $15. GO!
The list is embedded in this tweet....
— Matthew Kocsan (@kocsan) July 23, 2014
I am totally up for this challenge! Before I give you my fivesome, let me outline my perfect five man WWE-style faction. To me, the shopping list goes like this:
- One (1) undeniable leader, instills belief, failure is not an option - One (1) big man, either super duper tall or morbidly obese - One (1) unhinged lunatic, the type who would need to be subdued by five cops - One (1) freakishly strong, tree stump type, the more rectangular, the better - One (1) small, chicken shit heel type (high flying and bump taking skills preferred) SEC $5 -- Nick Saban $4 -- Les Miles $3 -- Steve Spurrier $2 -- Will Muschamp $1 -- Bret Bielema
Ok, much like their dominance in real life, the SEC as a conference in this "wrestling faction" challenge has undeniable depth, top to bottom. I could easily have spent two bucks on Muschamp as the resident lunatic or Spurrier as a shit talking, Bobby Heenan type. But any successful faction must have Saban as the leader. I'll worry about everything else later.
BIG 12 $5 -- Bob Stoops $4 -- Mike Gundy $3 -- Kliff Kingsbury $2 -- Art Briles $1 -- Charlie Weis
If you're going to spend five in one place, the law of numbers says you probably have to spend a single dollar somewhere else. So we fill in the "freakishly big" category with the corpulent Kansas head coach.
Ok, so we still need a lunatic, a tree trunk, and a chicken shit heel. Unfortunately, the Big Ten has the best candidates on the board overall in two of those categories -- Hoke (tree trunk) and Pellini (nut job). In the end, this comes down to which category is more important, since we may be sacrificing the other one. Are we better with a five star psychopath or an immovable block of granite.
Actually, a pretty easy choice....
BIG TEN $5 -- Urban Meyer $4 -- Mark Dantonio $3 -- Brady Hoke $2 -- Bo Pellini $1 -- Pat Fitzgerald
Hell, if nothing else, ask yourself "Who would you pay to see?" Sometimes it's about business, and I'd pay to watch Pellini fight. Hoke could start out hot and then wind up being a jobber to the stars three months after his debut after people realize he has no personality. Actually, that Hoke arc wouldn't be drastically different than that of his team.
Ok, let's keep shopping. We've got a nice, healthy seven bucks burning a hole in our pocket. Another great two dollar value on the board in the PAC-12, as we fill our chicken shit heel spot....
PAC-12 $5 -- David Shaw $4 -- Jim Mora, Jr. $3 -- Chris Petersen $2 -- Todd Graham $1 -- Mike Leach
Seriously, one thing we know. Graham will cheat and backstab and do whatever's necessary to win. (Also, high "turn on partner" factor, so buyer beware. Probably a big reason for the low two dollar price.)
Ok, so with all five bucks left, it's really just a "best player available" situation. Cross off Beamer and Cutcliffe. Two vanilla old men, like a couple of Butcher Vachon, Uncle Elmer types. Dabo seems more like a Harvey Whippleman managerial type than a fighter.
So do we go Jimbo or Golden? Honestly, what the hell has Al Golden done to deserve a five dollar price tags? I'd take Jimbo for five bucks before I'd buy Golden for three. This is a no brainer....
ACC $5 -- Al Golden $4 -- Jimbo Fisher $3 -- Dabo Swinney $2 -- Frank Beamer $1 -- David Cutcliffe
So my faction:
LEADER: Nick Saban LIEUTENANT: Jimbo Fisher (we created a role for him) LUNATIC: Bo Pellini CHICKEN SHIT HEEL: Todd Graham TOKEN BLOB: Charlie Weis
This crew would sell out Madison Square Garden and win War Games. Don't mess.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.