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Crystal Crime Report, 2011: It Really Is the Female Version of Wayne

As is well-known, when it comes to crimes committed by men, Wayne is the name. Less well known but no less true is the fact that Crystal (including variant spellings) is the female equivalent.

We first put forth this hypothesis last March and furnished numerous examples of Crystal-line mayhem as evidence.

And more and more exhibits in favor of our contention keep popping up. Clearly, we're going to have to make the Crystal Crime Report a yearly event.

And so with no further ado, here is this year's edition:

Crystal Lara Andrus: According to Harris County court documents, this Morton Ranch Junior High art teacher bounced a half-full glass green tea bottle off the head of one of her unruly students. The girl had to get six staples in her scalp to close the wound. Andrus, 33 and of Katy, has been charged with reckless injury to a child and is out on $2,000 bond.

Krystal Whinery: This Lufkin Krystal was busted earlier this week after she allegedly stole a check from a friend in order to fund her Xanax habit. She told police she was already smashed on booze and drugs when she stole and cashed the check.

Crystal Dawn Johnson Smith: This peach of a North Carolina woman had been on the run for over two years after she allegedly coaxed a preteen girl into making porn for the entertainment of Smith's boyfriend, a soldier serving overseas. Smith was arrested earlier this month after a traffic stop in Washington state and is awaiting extradition back to the Tarheel State.

Crystal Leija: This Port Richey, Florida, woman reportedly got trashed at a bowling alley. On her merry way home, she hit a parked car, two fences and several mailboxes before her 1998 Honda Accord smashed into a home occupied by a family of six. Two of the children were buried in the debris, and Leija allegedly told their father she would help him find his boys if he gave her $1,000. Instead, she was arrested and charged with driving under the influence causing serious bodily injury, DUI causing personal injury, DUI causing damage to property or person, and leaving the scene of an accident involving property damage. (The boys suffered minor injuries.)

Crystal Gail Mangum: One of the strippers in the infamous Duke lacrosse case, Mangum was charged with murder earlier this year after she allegedly stabbed her boyfriend to death. (There had been another boyfriend-stabbing the year before.)

Krystal Norby: Canadian police say this 25-year-old Minnesotan posted homemade pics of herself having sex with two small children and a dog to the Internet. She's been charged with bestiality and manufacturing child porn and her two kids have been placed in foster care.  

A Crystal by choice, and by actions.
A Crystal by choice, and by actions.

Takesha Lameel Megress: This Galveston County ne'er-do-well is included here because she's a Crystal by choice and not birth. Island authorities list her alias as "Passion Crystal Hanks."

Chrystal Plesniak: Pennsylvania cops say Plesniak and her boyfriend Robert Guyer, both 23, beat her two-year-old son and locked him in his bedroom for two months after a potty-training mishap.

Crystal Mealer: This spirited Alabama belle wanted to be a cop and said as much to a patrolman she pulled up to as he was writing a speeding ticket by the side of the road. The cop told her that was nice but that she needed to be moving along. Mealer refused, and as she continued rambling on about what a badass cop she was going to be some day, the cop noticed something: Mealer appeared to be drunk.

After she flunked a field sobriety test, she dropped the chatty Cathy guise and showed her true Crystal colors. While the cops were trying to detain her, the fiery redhead kicked, bit and tried to disarm them, whereupon she was Tased, not once but twice. (Crystals never go down on the first jolt. It actually says that in the police training manual.) At last she was finally dragged off to the pokey with a slew of additional charges tacked on to her DWI. According to her Facebook, she now works for Habitat for Humanity, but whether that's by choice or part of a court-mandated community service project is unclear.


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