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Dear Obama, I Don't Really Want to Have Dinner with Beyonce. How About These 5 Celebs?

Awhile back I made a vow that rather than getting upset and arguing over radical rightwing posts on Facebook, I would instead donate $5 to the Obama campaign. It's a lot more proactive, and cuts down on the number of bullshit screamfests that have probably cut years off my lifespan. There was a side effect, though.

Now I get e-mails almost daily from the Obama campaign asking for donations, which is certainly to be expected after you give a politician your e-mail address. The Prez has tried to sweeten the deal lately, though, by offering a chance to win dinner with himself and a celebrity...because apparently the leader of the free world isn't an interesting enough tablemate for some Americans.

I'd like to have dinner with the president. I'm willing to bet even the most hardcore conservative wouldn't turn down that invitation simply because nothing gets attention like opening a conversation with, "Last night I had steak with the guy who controls our robot kill planes." That being said...Sarah Jessica Parker? Beyoncé?

Look, Mr. President, I see what you're trying to do here, but you're better than this. There is no cachet in sitting next to the star of Sex and the City 2 and Hocus Pocus or a singer I know mostly from cable commercials and makeup commercials and Nintendo commercials (Seriously, she does a lot of commercials). I'm happy to have dinner with you, but you have got to pick some more exciting celebrities. Might I suggest?

5. Joss Whedon
You're the comic-book president. You teamed with Spider-Man and were referenced in Doctor Who. Who better to partner up with than Nerd Prophet Supreme and director of The Avengers? Hell, I'd pay to simply sit and watch the two of you talk.

Topic of conversation: Giles spin-off, dammit!

Dear Obama, I Don't Really Want to Have Dinner with Beyonce. How About These 5 Celebs?

4. Clint Eastwood
He wanted to have an imaginary conversation, so offer him a real one. Sure, he'd probably turn it down, but maybe no. After all, Clint's always been a little nutty. Of course, if this actually happened, it would confirm what a lot of people already think, that Eastwood's appearance was actually a plot by you to make the GOP convention look ridiculous.

Topic of conversation: That idiot here in Texas that lynched a chair  

Dear Obama, I Don't Really Want to Have Dinner with Beyonce. How About These 5 Celebs?

3. Taylor Swift
You want a young, popular female singer, but one that was born in this country and doesn't wear meat? Taylor is your girl. In addition to my personal belief that you are both secret goths, she seems sweet, and her music is honestly getting better and better. Beyoncé's had her turn singing for you; let the little country girl have a shot.

Topic of conversation: Possible duet on future album.

Dear Obama, I Don't Really Want to Have Dinner with Beyonce. How About These 5 Celebs?

2. Mick Foley
I hate to make a generalization about Republicans and rasslin', but I will anyway. I wrestled myself for a year or two and it's not an industry overly burdened with Democrats, though you'd think people that fall down for a living would be more open to the idea of universal health care. Reach across the divide with the living legend, who is a damn interesting guy and articulate as hell.

Topic of conversation: The importance of the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network where he volunteers.

Dear Obama, I Don't Really Want to Have Dinner with Beyonce. How About These 5 Celebs?

1. Bill Nye
The place of Bill Nye the Science Guy in modern culture is as improbable as it is awesome. Time and time again we've seen this beloved figure of childhood education saunter in with science guns and unload both barrels into anyone who happens to be trading entrail-gazing for the scientific method. I know you're a man of faith, sir, but I saw you when that kid brought the marshmallow cannon to the White House. Your eyes lit up. The time has come for science to take its rightful place at your table, Mr. President.

Topic of conversation: Developing combustible lemon technology.

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